May 03, 2006

On Testicle Tugging and Other Important Matters

It may not be on the caliber of a crazed rugby fan cutting off his gonads and bringing them with him to the local pub, or a demented individual cutting off his member and hurling it at the police, but I am pleased to bring word of the latest entry from the Genatalia Files. From the Nuggets-Clippers series -- as you may or may not have heard, Nuggets' forward Reggie Evans has been fined 10 grand and retroactively given a flagrant foul after accusations that he yanked on Clippers' center Chris Kaman's ballsack in Game 4.

There are a number of wonderful aspects to this story, but I'll highlight just a couple of them for you:

-NBA Senior VP Stu Jackson and Co. had to review video of this alleged incident in the wake of Kaman's accusations to determine what had happened. Can't you picture Stu and others in a stuffy executive suite declaring, "Yes, you can see it. He definitely pulled on his testicle sack there. I'm quite certain." Me neither. In truth, is there any chance that Stu and his cohorts weren't either laughing or wincing in pain the entire time they watched the tape? There's just no way to remain mature when discussing this kind of thing. At least for me there isn't.

-Judging by the hair atop Chris Kaman's head, is there any extrapolation we might be able to make...

Actually, strike that thought from the record.

-In perhaps my favorite little side bar protruding from this saga, Reggie Evans has accused Kaman of lying about the alleged teste pull. Now really, is there anyone out there who would make something like that up? It doesn't exactly reflect on Kaman in a positive light to say he had his balls pulled on in the midst of a hoops game -- it basically just makes him look like Evans' bitch. So what incentive would he have to fabricate such a story?

-Lastly, how does pulling another man's balls only warrant a $10,000 fine? Short of stabbing him in the trachea with the sharpened leg of a folding chair, is there anything worse one basketball player can do to another on the field of play? In this case, there can be no monetary restitution that rights the wrong. Kaman should get to kick Reggie Evans -- and
George Karl, just for the heck of it -- directly in the gonads while Marcus Camby and his mother watch helplessly from the sideline.
-In case you weren't yet sick of Matt Leinart, he and Paris Hilton have just gone public with the news that they are an item. At the risk of sounding angry for no particular reason at all, I hope that they both suffer matching left ACL tears in freak football-related (or in the case of Paris, non-football-related) accidents.

-In completely non-sports related news that I feel deeply compelled to report, a 62-year-old Yonkers woman has been charged $1,431 in cable pornography charges, which she has vehemently disputed. All I'm gonna say is: Where there's smoke, there's fire.

-In a bizarre scene yesterday, A's catcher Jason Kendall charged the mound on Angels' pitcher John Lackey basically over nothing. Watch the video and you'll see that Lackey gets Kendall in a headlock and attempts to bludgeon him a la Nolan Ryan on Robin Ventura but pretty much fails miserably. Also note the explanation from Angels' color commentator Rex Hudler, without a doubt my favorite baseball analyst out there, primarily because he sounds like an out of work lifeguard.

-In case you were wondering, baseball cards and the people who collect them are still nerdy. Apparently cards were printed of KC Royals' prospect Alex Gordon when they weren't supposed to be (some nerdy rule about not printing rookie cards unless the rookie had already appeared in the majors), and as a result the few cards that were printed are worth quite a bit of money in the nerd community. I can't imagine why you'd want to know anything more about this story than what I've already told you, but here's the link in case you want to learn more.



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