November 21, 2005

A Noteworthy Clipping

Admit it, you've been there before yourself -- caught up in the moment after an exciting win by your favorite sports team, you're celebrating the only way you know how: by standing over the toilet and clipping away at your ballsack with a dull pair of wire cutters.

Wait -- what?!?? Who wrote that line? Did my keyboard just get hijacked by Tyler Durden?

No, it didn't. Just relax.

Okay. But is that true? Would someone really do that to himself?

I regret to inform you that this is a true story -- rugby fan Geoffrey Huish recently listened to a Wales-England match on the radio, then wandered into the bathroom and, seemingly on a whim, trimmed off his gonads.

But why would he do that, mysterious italicized voice?

Why? Quite simple. He had told one of his "mates" he would cut his off his testicles if Wales won, and though he may not have been serious when he said it, after the victory, he happened to go to the bathroom to take a piss and saw a pair of wire cutters. Next thing he knew, his motzah balls were out of their protective broth, plummeting into the toilet's murky waters.

Was the "motzah balls out of the protective broth" thing really necessary?


So what did he do after that?

Naturally, he fished the fleshy marbles out of the toilet, took them over to the pub, and screamed out "I've done it!" He then placed the plastic sack in a friend's hand, and almost immediately passed out from blood loss.

Is he insane? I mean, we've all done stupid things on a whim, but even Steve-O and Johnny Knoxville would deem this particular stunt a poor idea. What the hell was Geoff Huish thinking?

His explanation was, "I had a lot going on and felt a bit down."

Since when does surgically removing one's own manhood improve self-esteem?

It's been scientifically proven to work on sheep.

I'm fully aware that you're mocking me now, and I'm choosing to ignore that comment. You know, I'm looking at the article online, and I see a quote from Huish saying, "The cutters were blunt so I had to keep snipping." This really hammers it home for me that the guy wasn't completely there from a mental standpoint. You'd think even the sickest of bastards would think better of it after the first touch of dull cold steel to testicle sack, right?

We suspect that PCP may have been involved.

Who is "we"? There's more than one of you?

Mind your own business.

Sorry. You know, I'm also reading a quote here from Huish where he says, "So I started hacking away at my tackle." That's a pretty funny term for it -- tackle. I might have to start using that.

What's so funny about it? My dad used to call it "tackle," and he's dead now.


That's alright. You didn't know.

Mind if I ask you something personal?


Who are you?

The name's Koncak. Jon Koncak.

Wow, really? Like, THE Jon Koncak?

No. Just a coincidence.

I guess I have just one more question for you, Mr. Koncak.

Fire away.

Is this like one of those weird things where we think the guy who cut off his balls is acting really weird but it turns out he's actually a more intelligent alien life form, like the guy Mos Def played in "Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy," and his seemingly strange behavior is actually done for reasons we can't understand?


[Editor's note: No testicles were harmed during the creation of this post.]


Anonymous Daniel A said...

Dude -- this is seriously some of the funniest sh*t I've ever read. Tears. In my eyes. Where did you find the original article? And whence Jon Koncak? (Koncak would be funny in almost any context, but this one is particularly inspired.) Mazel tov.

8:53 PM, November 28, 2005  
Blogger The OCC said...

Cheers, Daniel. The article was first passed along to me by loyal a loyal reader known as Frank G. Yak. I'm not sure where he found it, but it was true yeoman work. I've done some pretty mindless things in my day, but cutting off testicles is in another stratosphere.

8:11 PM, November 29, 2005  

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