January 05, 2006

2006: Best Year Ever?

Readers -- a very merry new year to you all. A thousand apologies for my recent absence. I wish that I could tell you I had been away on very important and highly classified business at an undisclosed location which required me to have elite ninja skills and carry a really neat futuristic gun, but alas -- that's not the case. I've just been busier than a pack mule on a mountain trail (whatever that means).

At any rate, we must catch up on some news:

-First and foremost, I don't care if Reggie Bush is the next coming of Marshall Faulk. I don't care that he would probably be a better president than the Bush that we currently are stuck with. It's all irrelevant -- if I'm the Houston Texans, I've gotta think long and hard about taking Vince Young #1, and then, after thinking long and hard about it, I'd do it. This is of course assuming he comes out for the draft, and I can't see how he wouldn't. College is probably not so bad for Vince these days, but the second coming of Mike Vick has no time for school! Get that man in the professionals, where he belongs. Thank you for your services, David Carr. It's been real.

-Did it go unnoticed among all of you that Tracy McGrady recently named his newborn son Laymen Lamar? This is too good. Did T-Mac not ever see that classic Nicolas Cage skit from Saturday Night Live so long ago -- you know the one I'm talking about, right? Asswipe, pronounced ahs-WEE-pay? Well, never mind then. I guess I'm the only one who saw that skit. The point is, if the young McGrady's future friends/tormentors have any sense of humor at all, they'll have a field day with a line of "in Laymen's terms" jokes. For God's sake, your son is already going to have too much attention being the offspring of an NBA superstar. Can't you just name him something quiet that will blend him into the background, like Reginald or Zlatan?

-Gotta take a moment to talk about the Maurice Clarett situation, primarily because I think the account of events is entirely bizarre. Consider the following write-up that appeared in the story that the Worldwide Leader ran --

"Nyarko [the accuser] said after he handed the man his cell phone, a woman came out of the bar and yelled, 'Maurice!' in greeting to the man, who hugged her. He then carried the woman, who police said was bar owner Tashona Corvi, toward the SUV, put her down and got in the vehicle."

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but every time I've mugged someone in the past, I certainly have not stopped in the middle of the proceedings to hug someone, be it a close friend or otherwise. And I most definitely would not pick up said person and carry them over to set them down next to my getaway car. Completely inexplicable behavior. Then again, I suppose so is going from having a chance to get carries in the best system for running backs in the world to pulling petty stick-up jobs within the course of about four months.

-One of the best euphamisms I've seen in a while: Knicks' payroll submarine Jerome James showed up "unprepared to practice" on New Year's Day. To me, "unprepared to practice," particularly on New Year's Day, means "reeking of booze and kielbasa."

Thank you, that is all. Stay tuned for my predictions for 2006, a set of prognostications which I will submit about two weeks too late and which will have about an 11 percent chance of coming true.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the whole story is strange and makes no sense. I think they simply wanted to destroy him, and all they needed was for him to come back to Columbus. The charges, the arrest, the photos in prison garb . . . all to destroy him. Even if he wins, they are hoping this ends any chances in the NFL.

11:49 PM, January 05, 2006  
Blogger jimmyrad said...

Vince is only ready for the NFL if he lands permanently in a west coast system. The guy just doesn't have a great arm. He's improved his accuracy dramatically, though. I, for one, think he'll stay at Texas.

His legs are as sexy as they come.

Yeah, Jerome James definitely tied on on New years Eve. I think the Knicks have gone about this all wrong, though. Honestly, the guy clearly got so mauled he could barely walk and had probably been puking for 3 hours, but HE STILL went to practice!! Instead of chastising him, they should have used him as an example of what true heart and commitment is all about.

11:28 AM, January 06, 2006  

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