December 13, 2005

Ron Ron's Demand, Return of Riley, Midget Races and More

Well, I'm back. Other than the fact that Bruce left the TV on, littered my couch (and bed) with what appear to be splintered fragments of melba toast and sent my armadillo Paolo into near-diabetic shock by spoonfeeding him applesauce all week, everything seems to be in order at OCC headquarters.

However, I can't say the same for the world of sports. I leave for one week and the whole operation falls apart. Unbelievable.

Ron Artest wants to get traded out of Indy, and not surprisingly everyone's weighing in with his take. Can someone please say something about this other than, Whatever team takes on Artest will be assuming a significant risk? Come on. Personally, I think Pacers' GM Donnie Walsh is just saying he'll try to move Artest to pacify him while he tries to diffuse the situation internally. I just can't see the Pacers giving Artest away, which is what they'll have to do in order to trade him, because he's killed all their leverage. So I'm going on the record here and saying that Ron Artest will finish the season in Indiana.

Jesus, will you look what happened? Now I've weighed in with my own boring take on Artest. As punishment I will duct tape myself to the sofa this evening and watch the entirety of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" without blinking.

Tom Brady is SI's Sportsman of the Year. Sorry, but no. Make another selection. Brady is immediately disqualificatied for having taken part in photo shoot wearing a sailor outfit and cuddling with a baby goat.

Pat Riley's going back to coach the Heat. I will now jam outstretched arm of James Posey bobblehead doll down my throat to induce vomiting. Not that the Heat was that entertaining of a squad to watch in the first place (with the notable exception of one D. Wade), but the association of Riley with those old Knicks-Heat bloodbaths is enough to make me sick. As a side note, it may have something to do with the fact that I'm starved for NBA hoops coverage in Year One of my No League Pass Era, but I'm kind of enjoying watching these young Knicks try to figure this thing out with Larry Brown screaming at them from the sidelines. I'm particularly enjoying the emergence of Nate Robinson, who is definitely exacerbating LB's bladder problems in a big way with his wreckless (yet incredibly entertaining) style of play.

-Don't know if you heard this, but
Tony Stewart has announced plans to drive "midget races." My primary question about this is, what is a midget race? Is it a race in which he, Tony Stewart, drives a car while an extremely fleet-footed midget or midgets attempt to beat him to the finish line? Or is it a race in which a bunch of midgets compete against one another and Tony Stewart runs along behind them striking them with a whip to hurry them along? Also, is it really okay to say "midget car," or is there a more preferred nomenclature? Come to think of it, isn't it a bit dubious for me to propose a scenario in which Tony Stewart strikes a flock of scurrying midgets with a whip?

-Speaking of morally questionable behavior, I can think of no better way to end this jetlagged post by making mention of this crazy broad (can I say broad? I don't think I can) who landed belly-first in a parking lot at 50 mph after skydiving out of a plane when her parachute didn't open, yet somehow didn't die. Aren't there physics formulas to prove that this is like, physically impossible?
Force times velocity = death, or something like that. I don't remember. Anyhoo, this story gets better. Turns out this woman, who is clearly a cyborg, was pregnant at the time, though she didn't know it. Yet somehow, all indications are that the child is still alive. It is truly a miracle. The baby's due in June. To celebrate, mom already has a skydiving trip planned for August! You know my motto: If something really dangerous goes drastically wrong yet somehow doesn't kill you, do it again as soon as humanly possible.


Blogger jimmyrad said...

I'm with the majority on this one. Ron-Ron has played his last game as a Pacer. He'll stay deactivated until Donnie W. can find something that actually helps his team. I wouldn't be suprised to see something go down this weekend. Obviously, if he can get Peja, you've got to pull the trigger. Even though "Peja" is Eastern-European for "Little Woman." (It's true, "eastern european" is a language.)

10:59 AM, December 14, 2005  
Blogger The OCC said...

No it isn't.

7:53 AM, December 15, 2005  

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