September 27, 2007

No Chopping Zone

You know it's been a strange week in baseball when Mets fans are breaking out the Tomahawk Chop at Shea -- and the Braves aren't even in the building.

This is how desperate things have become for Mets Nation: They're now turning to their most hated rivals in hopes of getting support against the relentless Phillies. So when the Braves beat Philly on Tuesday night, the aforementioned chop swept through the stands.

Doing the Chop as anything other than a complete 100 percent mockery of the Braves has to be confusing for Mets fans, and frankly, the whole thing is rather confusing to us Braves fans as well.

Are we supposed to see this as a heartwarming reminder that there can still exist a strange camaraderie between even the most fiercely-opposed of fan groups under certain circumstances?

Are we supposed to take it as a condescending elbow to the testes, or a harsh slap to the face that the team that once ruled the NL East is now nothing more than a spoiler for the fans of New York to cheer on, the kind of slight and reality check that makes the more militant among us want to buy cheap seats at Shea tonight and see how many crazed Mets fans we can incite into a riotous state?

Or are we supposed to go to the nearest grocery mart, purchase a ginormous jar of applesauce and drink it through a straw while we watch the VHS tape recapping the Braves' magical 1991 season?

Not sure about the rest of you, but from this vantage point, the choice seems obvious.

September 24, 2007

Forecast Calls for Disappointment


What do you do when your hometown baseball team is all but eliminated from playoff contention despite a mildly-inspiring late-September run, your hometown football team is 0-3 and your four fantasy football teams (yes, I know that's too many) are a combined 5-7?

Options include:

1) Smashing TV with a large mallet;

2) Smashing computer with a large mallet;

3) Smashing face with a large mallet;

4) Hibernating until basketball season;

5) Hibernating until the year 2261.

We're still pondering the various options, but are thinking that some combination of #'s 1 and 5 might be in order.

We'll be sure to keep you posted on what we decide.

September 19, 2007

Pleased to Meet You, Mr. Leftwich

In the wake of the Falcons' momentous signing of free agent QB Byron Leftwich Tuesday, we figured it was high time to dig into the archives and meet the man who will very soon (please, God) bring about the end of the Joey Harrington era in ATL.

The video above is from Leftwich's days at Marshall, and you only need to watch for about 40 seconds until you get to the best part: Leftwich sporting a tie-dyed football practice jersey, which he claims was "in style about 8 or 9 years ago in D.C."

You officially have permission to stop watching the video after that.

And, for the record, we're currently investigating the veracity of Leftwich's claim that tie-dye was in style in the late 90's in Washington, D.C.

Say what you will about Leftwich's immobility in the pocket and general confusion regarding modern fashion trends, but the man has a rocket-propelled grenade launcher for an arm, is an absolute warrior (will never forget the image of him being carried down the field while driving his team down the field on one leg), and most importantly, is not Joey Harrington.

Welcome to Atlanta, Byron.

Let's get those tie-dyed Leftwich t-shirt jerseys printed pronto.

September 17, 2007

Breaking News: Tom Brady Impregnates Randy Moss

Before we get started, we should probably clarify something: Tom Brady hasn't actually impregnated Randy Moss with a child per se. However, he has shown a clear affinity for repeatedly planting a warhead-shaped chunk of leather into his new wideout's belly.

Moss's numbers after two games: 17 catches, 288 yds, 3 TDs. Last year, he didn't surpass 17 catches or 288 yds until Week 7. And his 3 TDs so far matches his entire total from 2006.

It's far too early to anoint anyone after two weeks, but the Patriots sure do look scary. And you can scream all you want that they're all dirty cheaters, or that Randy Moss is a whiny sack of nuts who's going to suffer a season-ending hammy tweak no later than Week 9. Or if you're so inclined you can comment that Tom Brady seems to become more and more of a douche bag every time he appears in front of a TV camera.

But with all of those immature, vindictive, coming from the perspective of a disillusioned Falcons fan (yet extremely valid) points aside, the Patriots as presently assembled are going to win a whole butt-pile of football games this year.

And along the lines of overlooking past transgressions in favor of the bottom line, this commercial featuring Shawne Merriman (and Steven Jackson) gets us hyped-up to the point that we're not only willing to forget that Merriman was suspended for steroid use last year, but when in the midst of watching it, we're overcome with the urge to run out and procure a mess of steroids so that we, too, can eviscerate digitized defenders like the crazed Chargers lineman.

Anyone game for shooting up some nandrolone and heading to the park for an ill-advised, tendon-snapping afternoon of old man football this weekend?

September 11, 2007

This Gamma Hydroxybutyric Acid is Delicious, But it is Filling

As you may have heard by now, test results have revealed that Tampa Bay receiver David Boston had GHB (a.k.a. the "date-rape drug") in his system when he was arrested last month.

Having never indulged in this mind-erasing substance before (as far as we can remember), we have to ask: What exactly are the benefits of voluntarily taking a drug that virtually every sane human being on the planet wants to avoid having dropped into his/her drink at all costs?

Can anyone explain this? (And no, "Sebastian Janikowski did it so it must be a good idea" is not an acceptable answer.)

In case you're wondering, David Boston was unavailable for comment regarding this matter. Apparently he was on his way to the sedative store to replenish his supply of ether-soaked rags.

September 10, 2007

Why Security Guards Usually Take Unruly Fans Into a Secret Room to Beat Them Up

Is there a soccer fan in the building?

Not sure when or where this happened, or exactly what happened (the narrative of this video's in German, and our German is essentially limited to being able to say "thank you" and "grilled pork steak").

But as far as we can tell, here's what went down:

Fan runs onto soccer field.

Three security guards gather around him and start bludgeoning him right there on the field.

From out of nowhere, another fan comes streaking into the picture and pulls out the unorthodox "flying knee" technique in an attempt to thwart the assailants. The maneuver ends up partially connecting but ultimately leaves him on the ground (after which point he most likely received a savage beating).

From here, things generally deteriorate until the scene on the field pretty much resembles a University of Miami football game.

I think we're gonna need a German translator to sort this out.

September 06, 2007

A Compelling Argument for Limiting Pitch Counts

Surprisingly, after an examination by Dr. James Andrews, the pitcher in this video has been diagnosed with nothing more than a mild case of elbow inflammation. He's listed as day-to-day.

The bad news is that the umpire is clearly dead, and the pitcher appears to have something wrong with his tonsils. Which, all things considered, probably isn't that big of a deal.

September 04, 2007

Downright Filthy

In fairness, we live in a world where there's a lot of pressure to come up with new headlines.

And maybe it's just a severe case of jetlag skewing things to an extreme...

But it seems that when writing a headline -- even if it's for something as temporary and ever-changing as a website -- one of the first things you ponder is whether or not there's any way your audience might misconstrue what you wrote to mean something entirely different from what was intended.

So when we make a routine visit to a popular Internet sports site and see an MLB story with the headline "Peavy wants it now," you can imagine why we might be confused.

If we didn't read another word of the article (which, for the record, we did not), we would logically assume that what Peavy wants is sex, and that he has to have it immediately. After all, isn't this the most common everyday usage of the phrase "[Insert person's name here] wants it"?

Accuse this Off-Color Commentator of having a filthy mind all you want, but while you're doing so, think about it: What other logical assumption would a normal person make?

Certainly, if that person knew that Jake Peavy was a Cy Young-caliber pitcher for the San Diego Padres, he/she might assume that what he wants right now is the Cy Young award, or perhaps recognition as one of the game's greatest pitchers. But that person would only make that assumption after first having had the thought that Jake Peavy, according to this article, has a burning desire to fornicate, immediately.

Seriously, when one person says to another, "You know you want it...", what is the "it" that person is referring to? A punch in the gullet? A ride on a small but sturdy seafaring ship? No. That person is referring to sordid, possibly public and definitely loud sexual intercourse. That's just all there is to it.

Confession: After all this, we went ahead and read further in the article, and it turns out that what Peavy wants is to pitch on three days rest to help his team in the midst of a pennant race.

What a sick bastard.