February 28, 2008

Taking the Over

The other day in my rec league hoops game, I got the ball on a fast break and took off to shoot a lay-up. But right as I did, the only defender who was back put his head down and bull charged towards me like he was going to undercut me. Reflexively, I pulled up and shot the lay-up earlier than planned, as instinct told me not to run into the guy who looked like he was going to chop block my legs.

My first thought (after missing the lay-up) was that it was an irritating but kind of smart play on the defender's part. But the more I've thought about it, I have realized that it's a completely bullshit and bush league move. It's one thing (and admittedly kind of cheap) to run at a shooter and take a fake poke at the stomach while he's going up for a jumper. But the fake undercut (much like the real-life version of the haircut depicted above) takes things to a whole other level. Ultimately, is it really any different than winding up like you're going to take a swing at a guy while he's driving the lane?

I am of the opinion that such a play should be whistled a foul, even if there's no contact. Maybe it should just be a one shot technical, or a warning, or something. But there's gotta be some kind of deterrent, because absolutely nothing good can come out of the play, unless for some reason you're in favor of giving a
cheap and unseemly alternative to a defender who's too small or too scared to try to block the shot.

Here's the rule I propose: Unless you are actually sporting an undercut atop your head, you should have no business fake undercutting another player under any circumstances.

And if you do have an undercut haircut, everyone is pretty much expecting you to act like an ass in the first place, so you might as well get your money's worth.

February 22, 2008

Welcome to the Next Level

This just changed the way I see roller skating, and Baron Davis, and basketball, forever.

In a word: yes.

February 21, 2008

This is What a Disfunctional Team Looks Like

And naturally, Isiah Thomas went on the record saying he was happy that this fight happened. Something about raw emotions being a good thing.

All I know is this: I'm starting to think that Isiah might actually be some sort of demi-god, because otherwise I really don't have an explanation for how the man can still have a job.

Also, in the video above, there is a sudden and unexpected clip of a blonde woman in a leopard print dress holding a sign beneath a poster of Jim Morrison. I don't know about you, but that kind of caught me off guard.

February 19, 2008

Thank You for Your Patience

I am currently working off-site in the small mountain hamlet commonly known as "China," and due to technical difficulties have been attempting to dial up onto the Internet using a hollowed out yak skull, a pipe cleaner and two cans of silly string.

I have just contacted tech support and hope to have this ironed out soon.

In the meantime, feel free to leaf through one of the magazines, or give some attention to that dog -- he is lonely.

The Management

February 13, 2008

Say Hello to My Little Friend

Imagine walking into your gym for a routine workout and seeing a 2-foot-9, 20-pound man clad in some sort of diaper-like garment and pumping iron (or, as is the case in the photo above, being creepily held like a trophy in the palm of a fellow bodybuilder).

The man in this photo is nicknamed Romeo. The skeptics among us will no doubt say he was created by Photoshop. Call me a fool if you will, but I'm going to overlook the implausibility of a 2-foot-9, 20-pound man existing and say that this little Romeo is real. He has no doubt suffered through enough trouble in his life without needing yet another person accusing him of being a digitized image.

So instead of questioning whether or not this man is a real person, let us laugh at how silly he looks. (Only for a second, then we'll stop). And after we do that, let us welcome him into our home, as we would do for a brother, a very dear friend, or a small novelty item.

February 11, 2008

Fatal Transaction

On Sunday morning, I picked up Richard Zednik in my fantasy hockey league.

Later that evening, he got cut by a teammate's skate blade and almost died.

To answer your first question, yes, I really am in a fantasy hockey league. My team, Hockules, has won the league title three years in a row, but has surprisingly struggled this year (or perhaps not surprisingly, considering that the other people in the league know a lot more about NHL hockey than I do).

To answer your second question, no, I am not ashamed to be in a fantasy hockey league, though I understand that based on established societal norms, I probably should be.

As for your third question, yes, I am currently having Bruce the intern look into whether or not there is some sort of hex on Hockules that may have caused the Zednik injury. I am not a superstitious person, but I will admit that it concerns me a tad bit that prior to yesterday I had probably spent somewhere in the vicinity of zero seconds thinking about Richard Zednik in my entire life, but the moment he entered my consciousness (via the portal known as Yahoo Sports Fantasy Hockey), he suffered a near fatal wound to the neck.

In case you're curious as to the methodology Bruce is using to confirm the possibility of a Hockules jinx, it's pretty complicated to explain, but basically he's adding random players to the roster over the next few days and then waiting to see if they almost die.

So far, thankfully, we're in the clear. And rest assured, until I can confirm that this whole thing was just a coincidence, I'll be sure to hold off on making any multi-player trades.

February 06, 2008

I Had the Tamarind Duck for Dinner

Made me feel a bit sluggish.

It would probably take a lot of tamarind duck to make Kenny George feel sluggish.

He is a very tall man.

If I meet him, I will ask him what it's like to have Tyler Hansbrough be your daddy.

February 04, 2008

And There Was Great Rejoicing

Words don't really do this video much justice, so we'll just say this: Moments after the Giants' Super Bowl win, emotions were running at a rather high level.

Thank you to our compatriots at whynatte.com for providing this footage. Also, please note the moment in the video when the celebrating man is warned by a concerned bar employee to be careful, and in responding to her, he seamlessly transitions to dancing with her, very nearly succeeding in getting her to commit 100 percent to the dance.

What a ballgame. If you didn't at least want to attempt a front handspring after that one, you're either a Patriots fan, or you need to have your circuitry checked.

Three quick thoughts:

1. That Eli Manning to David Tyree completion was one of the greatest pass plays of all time. The fact that Eli -- who looked about as mobile as a tranquilized rhino for most of the night -- somehow evaded that sack, and then that Tyree of all people pulled that ball off his own helmet while falling out of the air backwards was just unbelievable.

2. The Tom Brady third down throw on the ensuing Patriots drive that would have gotten to Randy Moss had it not been deflected was one of the greatest incompletions of all time. What a throw.

3. With apologies to both plays, they have nothing on Handspring Man's celebratory dance.