September 17, 2007

Breaking News: Tom Brady Impregnates Randy Moss

Before we get started, we should probably clarify something: Tom Brady hasn't actually impregnated Randy Moss with a child per se. However, he has shown a clear affinity for repeatedly planting a warhead-shaped chunk of leather into his new wideout's belly.

Moss's numbers after two games: 17 catches, 288 yds, 3 TDs. Last year, he didn't surpass 17 catches or 288 yds until Week 7. And his 3 TDs so far matches his entire total from 2006.

It's far too early to anoint anyone after two weeks, but the Patriots sure do look scary. And you can scream all you want that they're all dirty cheaters, or that Randy Moss is a whiny sack of nuts who's going to suffer a season-ending hammy tweak no later than Week 9. Or if you're so inclined you can comment that Tom Brady seems to become more and more of a douche bag every time he appears in front of a TV camera.

But with all of those immature, vindictive, coming from the perspective of a disillusioned Falcons fan (yet extremely valid) points aside, the Patriots as presently assembled are going to win a whole butt-pile of football games this year.

And along the lines of overlooking past transgressions in favor of the bottom line, this commercial featuring Shawne Merriman (and Steven Jackson) gets us hyped-up to the point that we're not only willing to forget that Merriman was suspended for steroid use last year, but when in the midst of watching it, we're overcome with the urge to run out and procure a mess of steroids so that we, too, can eviscerate digitized defenders like the crazed Chargers lineman.

Anyone game for shooting up some nandrolone and heading to the park for an ill-advised, tendon-snapping afternoon of old man football this weekend?


Blogger J.B. said...

what do you think about the idea that the two beasts in that commercial play for two teams that are a combined 1-5? Kind of a shame, huh?

6:54 PM, September 24, 2007  

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