July 23, 2007

Would You Kindly Remove Those Fangs from My Head?

Thanks to a tip from correspondent Frank G. Yak, it's now time for a long overdue update from the always fertile news-producing soil that is the sport of rugby:

After suffering from severe headaches, “lethargy” and an eye infection over the past several months, Australian rugby player Ben Czislowski recently found out that an opponent’s tooth had been buried in his forehead – just above the eye – since a collision during a match in early April.

Or so Czislowski alleges. Forgive us for being cynical, but in hearing this news, it’s impossible not to remember the Stephen King novel The Dark Half, in which the protagonist undergoes surgery for a problem with his brain only to discover that he had a pair of eyes, hair and teeth living on said brain, which turned out to be the remnants of a lesser twin that he absorbed in the womb.

Naturally, this disembodied, brain-dwelling twin caused the protagonist more than a few problems in his years on this earth. And we can only assume that the headaches that Czislowski was suffering were not from the fact that he had a tooth in his forehead, but from something much larger.

And no, we’re not insinuating that the Australian rugby player had a twin that he almost entirely absorbed while they were both in the womb. That’s pure science fiction nonsense.

What we are suggesting is that when he collided with an opposing player in April, Czislowski absorbed that player’s body, soul and spirit entirely, and the tooth is now all that remains (aside from the renegade, vengeful spirit of a rugby player who is hell bent on revenge at any cost). Unfortunately, our guess is that the headaches, lethargy and eye infection Czislowski has suffered are only the beginning.

Safe to say it’s gonna be pretty ugly when his forehead gives birth to a pair of cleats.


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