I Love What You've Done With the Place

Have you ever thought of yourself as really hardcore because you installed a chin-up bar in your apartment, or jumped rope in your living room (much to your downstairs neighbor’s chagrin), or imitated Herschel Walker’s classic workout routine by hitting the floor during TV commercials to do a set of push-ups or sit-ups?

Well, sorry, but you’re not hardcore. Not hardcore at all.

At least not compared to Reggie Willits of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California, USA, Planet Earth.

What, you may ask, is it that makes this scrappy outfielder the king of home workouts?

Dude has a batting cage in his bedroom.

Yes, that’s right, Willits and his wife sleep with their feet pointing directly towards the pitching machine, with the baby’s crib at the foot of the bed.

Picturing this bizarre home configuration, it’s hard not to recall that classic Seinfeld episode when George attempted to combine two of his favorite things: eating and sex. Before long, he was eating salami hoagies under the covers. And as for what we’re picturing going on in the Willits household with the batting cage and associated equipment so close to thebed – well, it’s probably best to leave that to the imagination (or perhaps, for the pure of mind, ignore it altogether).

(You also have to wonder if in moments of extreme frustration, Reggie Willits puts on a Bruins jersey and takes a series of fastballs off the chest a la Happy Gilmore.)

Almost lost in the madness of the Willits household is the fact that Reggie and Amber have named their infant son Jaxon. Which begs the question: What the hell is the deal with that name? Do the letters “ck” not exist in Willitsville? When Amber comes home, does she open the door and announce, “Hey honey, I’m bax?” Do they refer to cracks in the wall as “crax”? When the man of the house decides to pleasure himself, is he “jaxing off”?

Okay, that was inappropriate. Almost as inappropriate as eating sliced and cured meats in bed.

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go do something productive.

Need a suggestion for an idea? How about this:

Go take a few cuts at the batting cage.

There’s gotta be one somewhere nearby.