May 18, 2006

Follow That Motorcycle

  • In perhaps the most simultaneously confusing and hilarious Atlanta Hawks moment since the drafting of 7-4 behemoth Priest Lauderdale in 1996, the team mascot was recently captured on video camera riding around the streets of ATL on a tiny motorcycle. There are two particularly wonderful things about this: As you can see on the video, the streets he was riding around on were decidedly not busy thoroughfares, so there's no way this was a team promotional thing. Clearly it was some kind of rogue maneuver, dare, prank or -- perhaps most likely -- the mascot for one of the NBA's worst teams finally having lost his mind and therefore riding a tiny motorcycle in full uniform even though the team's season is over and he's probably not currently being paid. Secondly, I would be remiss if I didn't note that the motorcycle appears to stall at one point, which is such an obvious metaphor for the Hawks' franchise that I'll just leave it alone.
  • I'm noticing a new and deeply irritating trend of late: Institutions of higher learning are becoming absolutely obsessed with what goes on at sports team functions. Granted, I understand the increased scrutiny given what may or may not have happened with the Duke lacrosse team, but now it's gone too far: Catholic University is investigating its women's lacrosse team after photos showed a male stripper at a freshman initiation event. Omm...perhaps I'm confused here, but isn't the reason the Duke team is being investigated because there were strippers and there may have been rape? Now you're not even allowed to have strippers at college? Of course, the school is called "Catholic University," which does suggest a certain opposition to having the Hot Cops dancing around naked at a lacrosse party, but seriously -- this does not seem like the kind of bandwagon schools need to be jumping on unless it's absolutely necessary. Unless some kind of crime might have been committed, sweep it under the rug and contact me when you've got some real news.
  • Bad day for current and former AL Central outfielder/DH's: Dmitri Young (domestic violence) and Albert Belle (stalking) are in trouble with Johnny Law. Come to think of it, does getting arrested on a stalking charge really constitute a bad day for Albert Belle at this point, or is it more just kind of a nuisance? At what point have you shirked common societal principles so many times that you officially don't care anymore? I dare you to ask Albert Belle this question in a really irritating, pseudo-intellectual tone and then stand there while he tries to tear your arms off.
  • Speaking of shirking societal norms, did you know there's a dude who weighs 1,212 pounds? That, as the author points out, is as many as five baby elephants. Which I personally think is an odd choice of comparison. (Since I would have to be as devoid of morals as Albert Belle to make fun of a 1,212-pound man, I'm going to make fun of the author who wrote the story as a substitute.) Why not say it's the same weight as two fully-grown hippos? Okay, well -- apparently hippos can weigh up to 7,000 pounds, so that doesn't really work. But you get my point -- the baby elephant comparison isn't really doing it for me, I think primarily because the word "baby" is so incongruous with the weight of 1,212 pounds. I'd much rather hear that he weighs the same as 242.4 ring-tailed lemurs. But maybe that's just me.
  • And now I've clearly lost it. But before I go, I'd like to give some OCC love (in the most non-sexual way imaginable) to my good friend The Bird, who is responsible for the site's dare I say majestic new look. Like Kobe switching to Number 24, a new era has begun here at The Off-Color Commentator. Which is to say, I will be doing the exact same shit as always in a slightly different uniform.


Anonymous mttnchps said...

Nice move bringing back the witty titles, but I think it's about time you start finding your own videos.

10:39 AM, May 19, 2006  

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