Forecast Calls for Haze

• I think I may have gone to a boring college. Or, at the very least, I didn't play women's soccer. The latest scandal of debauchery to rock University Town U.S.A. comes courtesy of the Northwestern women's soccer team, which has apparently engaged itself in some rather wild hazing practices. Not that I am really qualified to say they're wild by national hazing standards -- having never played college sports or belonged to a fraternity, the closest I've come to hazing was the time a football player threw his golf club through my car window. (Wow, that makes me sound like a loser.) In any case, the photos linked above are completely inappropriate, and I totally disapprove. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go work on the blueprints for a time machine so I can go back to college.

• In news that runs to the complete opposite end of the debauchery spectrum (yes, there is a debauchery spectrum), the Universities of Florida and Georgia have decided that their annual game in Jacksonville is no longer to be referred to as the World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party citing concerns over irresponsible alcohol use. Instead, the game will be referred to as the World's Largest Collection of Students Drinking Out of Flasks.

• In slightly lower-profile nomenclature news, a Las Vegas-based restaurant called the Pink Taco is planning to open a second branch in Scottsdale, Arizona -- and residents are not happy. I can't understand why. They must be oversaturated with Mexican restaurants already. Seriously, though -- all I have to say to you, people of Scottsdale is, get your minds out of the gutter. It's a Mexican Restaurant! Surely the managers couldn't have intended for Pink Taco to mean that. Okay, of course they did. But I think we can all agree that there are more important things to worry about, like the name of the Florida-Jacksonville football game.

• An update from the animal sporting world: Just for shits and giggles, a Sloth bear ate a Barbary macaque monkey at a zoo in Amsterdam on Sunday, much to the horror of shocked onlookers. To the onlookers, I say this: What do you expect? It's a freaking zoo. Deep down, when we go to the zoo, aren't we all hoping to see one animal slaughter another? (Or is that just me?)

• And when we read the newspaper or Internet news stories, aren't we just hoping to find headlines like this: "Feliz's Grand Blow Leads Giants' Romp"? Honestly, is it possible that they're so busy at mlb.com that no one looked at this headline and considered the absurd connotations it conjures? Sounds like the description of a sex party involving sasquatches. If only there were a sasquatch named Feliz, it would make me very happy.