To Be Young Again

We here at The Off-Color Commentator are not particularly fond of the term “pet peeve.” In fact, we hate it. We think it makes the user sound like a lame and rather ineffectual little shrew of a person.

(Also, if something deeply bothers you, you shouldn’t call it your “pet.” That’s just stupid. Although some pets are admittedly very annoying.)

So instead of “That is totally a pet peeve of mine!”, we much prefer the simple yet timeless “You know what I hate?” Or if you’re looking for a little more flavor, there’s the always enjoyable yet somehow not overused “that really chaps my ass.”

And on the subject of things that chafe at our proverbial buttocks, consider the following commentary that took place during Denver’s game against the Blazers Wednesday night:

On one play where Blazers’ small forward Ime Udoka was guarding Carmelo Anthony, the Nuggets’ play-by-play man (Chris Marlowe) said,

"Udoka's on Carmelo, and Carmelo schools the youngster."

In case it's not immediately apparent, here’s why this is annoying: Ime Udoka is 29 years old. Carmelo Anthony is 22.

This happens seemingly all the time – announcers equate a player’s age to his experience in that particular league. So if someone’s inexperienced in the NBA (which Udoka is), then he’s automatically a “youngster” or a “kid” (another term they used to describe Udoka earlier in the game).

On the play in question, Carmelo did indeed school Udoka. But he did not “school the youngster.” That’s just ridiculous. According to our research staff (after the recent house-cleaning of that department we have hired a small horde of chinchillas to handle all research-related matters), Ime Udoka is 2,485 days older than Carmelo Anthony. That’s six years, 294 days.

And trust us, 29 is old. Especially if you measure your age by the circles on your liver.

The worst thing about this, other than the fact that it’s blatantly inaccurate, is that it makes it look like the Nuggets broadcasters (or whatever other broadcasters are perpetrating this on-air sin on an almost daily basis) look like they know virtually nothing about the lesser-known players they’re paid to talk about.

The good news is that for those of us who would gouge out our pancreas with a rusty scythe just to get an audition for an on-air sports broadcasting gig, at least we can take solace in the fact that we’re often more knowledgeable than those people who are being paid to broadcast these events.

Which, come to think of it, is not the least bit comforting whatsoever.