Are You Gonna Eat That?

It’s film week here at OCC HQ, and recently we’ve been re-screening Season 1 of The Wire, which we know is not technically a film but is better than most films (and by the way if you don't stop being so annoying and pointing out little semantic things like "This is a movie; that's a TV show," you will most certainly not be invited to the next screening).

In any case, there’s a moment in one of the recently-viewed episodes in which Officer Roland Pryzbylewski (a.k.a. “Prez”) walks in to see two other officers discussing the intricacies of their wire tap set up, which prompts Prez to respond, “Spy shit. Very cool.”

Which is probably something close to what Falcons’ QB Michael Vick said when he first saw the nifty secret compartment-containing water bottle he was caught trying to bring through security at Miami International Airport on Wednesday.

And even if you frown upon Vicks’ suspected transportation of marijuana in said bottle (the inside of the bottle was said to contain some residue and reek of a ganja-like substance), you at least have to give him credit for employing a rather inspired smuggling method that would have been fairly brilliant had it not involved an object (a water bottle) you’re blatantly not supposed to take on the plane.

Honestly, has Vick not turned on a radio, TV or morse code machine in the past six months? Water bottles at airport security = no-no. You just have to hope beyond all hope that he didn’t ever intend to actually bring this thing on the plane, because that’s kind of like… well, trying to smuggle something onto a plane using a container you’re blatantly not allowed to have. Which is, as we would say in the business, really dumb.

And of course it is possible he meant to take the thing out of his bag and simply forgot, but… that excuse isn’t really flying at this point (so to speak).

Frankly, there are only two explanations Vick could give that would really carry any weight whatsoever around these parts:

1) I’m an idiot – I completely screwed up and I swear nothing like this will ever happen again. (But I can’t guarantee I won’t do something else stupid down the road because sometimes I get into trouble and you’re just gonna have to deal with that if I play for your team.)

2) My bad; I was blazed out of my mind and had no clue that thing was still in my bag.

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While Michael Vick could (but probably won’t) face charges in the wake of the Aquafina Fiasco, Lakers’ forward Kwame Brown will definitely not be charged in connection with his recent clown impersonation outside a Hermosa Beach nightclub.

In case you hadn’t heard, Kwame got busted for grabbing a dude’s $190 chocolate birthday cake and drilling him in the back with it.

Kwame’s excuse for this bizarre move was that he was trying to hit teammate Ronny Turiaf with the glorified pastry (apparently he only partially succeeded in this task, getting Turiaf in the neck and hitting the other dude in the back).

And this is understandable. After all, who among us hasn’t ever thought about chucking a birthday cake at Ronny Turiaf? That guy’s clearly a prick. And by “prick,” I mean “guy who’s universally well-respected among teammates and coaches.”

The truth of the matter is, it’s very tough to find fault with Kwame Brown’s actions here. The fact is, throwing cakes is funny in just about any context. That’s why clowns do it.

And no sympathy for the guy whose birthday cake got ruined. For one, who among us wouldn’t want our birthday cake to be grabbed by Kwame Brown and thrown at Ronny Turiaf, even if the cake did hit us (the original birthday cake holder) in the back?

Secondly, who the hell buys a $190 birthday cake anyways? Give me one of those big chocolate chip cookie cakes for about 20 bucks and I’ll be happy. Dude should feel lucky Kwame didn’t smash the entire thing in his face, call him out for gratuitous spending and hop in his Ferrari and drive away.