January 29, 2007

Au Revoir, Horsie

Aside from the occasional cockroach stomp, mouse trapping, potentially venomous spider crushing (and perhaps one accidental squirrel mashing with auto vehicle at some point in time), I can safely and accurately say that I have never inflicted serious harm on an animal in my entire life.

But at this precise moment, I feel like loading up a double-barrel shotgun and blasting a horse directly in the gut. On live television. While smiling.

Or at the very least (and perhaps more accurately), I feel like taking a live horse, cutting off a sizable slab of horse meat with a machete or other sharp knife, and proceeding to use said piece of equine flesh to slap anyone who’s feeling heartbroken about Barbaro’s death directly in the face.

And if there’s time, I’d like to double back to club all the people who are writing fake heartfelt eulogies about this damn beast.

I’ve said it before on this site and now I’ll say it one more time as clearly as I can:

It was just a horse. Get over it.

Honestly, I think I had more of a poignant emotional response to the fact that LeBron dunked on Barbosa over the weekend than I did to Barbaro finally croaking on Monday.

And I’m positive that I was more upset that a certain character got clipped during Season 4 of The Wire than I was that Barbaro at long last had his painstaking saga squashed out.

The more I think about it, in a vacuum I could empathize with this horse’s plight – if only this vacuum weren’t overcrowded with sappy morons who are so desperate to make this (now dead) horse into some kind of plucky, lovable underdog inspirational mascot even though it’s clearly just not (and never was) working for any member of the American sports-watching public who has anything close to one iota of perspective as to what’s actually important or compelling and what’s not.

So to the horse Barbaro, sitting there alone in the vacuum: R.I.P., dude.

To those who can’t stop obsessing over this and trying to turn it into something bigger than it is, just know this:

Tonight at OCC HQ, we dine on the delicacy known as "Flesh of Horse."

And if there are any leftovers whatsoever, we're going to pick them up and promptly slap you with them.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Aimee Berg said...

My last conversation with Barbaro...

Me: You're a soldier, Barbaro.
Barbaro: No doubt.

---

Seriously, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I hope I see Barbaro in hell.

5:43 PM, January 29, 2007  
Blogger James said...

Horse racing is a weird sport. If it is considered a sport, than the horse is clearly the athlete, not some 80 lb. mosquito taking diuretics who straps himself to the horse's back and screams "go." So if the horse is the athlete in a sport you love, horse-racing, and a specific horse that you have cheered for and been very excited to watch win has a fairly dramatic tragedy befall it, why can't you feel the same sympathy for it that you feel for Kirby Puckett when he passed away somewhat suddenly? Obviously, I'm not speaking to the friends and families of Kirby Puckett, but rather to your normal, avid baseball fan, such as myself, for who Kirby was just a guy on my TV who played great baseball and was fun to watch? I am walking dangerously close to the "animals are people, too" argument, and I'm really not trying to, but the point is: Barbaro was a huge story last year in the world of sports by winning the Kentucky Derby. He died in an unfortunate and dramatic accident. I don't see what's wrong with that being a big story to a lot of people.

7:08 PM, January 29, 2007  
Blogger Mr. Clown, M.A. said...

Dear Mr. OCC,
While I agree with your sentiment that there is an oversapification for the death of Barbaro, I think that your tirade may indicate a need to "check yo' self before you wreck yo' self." You obviously have some unchecked aggression towards horsies.
Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen
Indiana, PA
P.S. James, thanks for the Kirby shoutout. Ahh, now there's a man who touched em all.

8:39 AM, January 30, 2007  
Blogger Frank G Yak said...

I did enjoy and agree with Mr. Clown on most everything that he commented on.

And I do consider myself somewhat of a horse racing fan ... I do feel for barbaro, he will not be able to spend his life on a nice pasture having lots and lots of horse sex -- which is why horses become racers anyway.

I think that the first shot of your "double barrel" needs to be firmly aimed at those who are eulogizing the death of the horse.

Yesterday, I clicked on NYTIMES.com and the breaking news had nothing to do with Washington, Iraq, but with the plight of a horse that ran around a track in just over 2 minutes.

9:04 AM, January 30, 2007  
Blogger James said...

The sports world loves to get sappy. I guess I don't see the problem with them getting sappy over something like a horse as long as the horse has made an impact on the sports world, which Barbaro did last year by winning the Kentucky Derby.

11:11 AM, January 30, 2007  
Blogger The OCC said...

My whole point was that the thing has been blown absurdly out of proportion, and as a result, it seems like people don't even remember (or realize) what they're actually being sad about.

It seems misplaced, and ridiculous, to be crying this much over a horse, no matter how much people like horse racing and liked this horse.

Did we cry this much over Darrent Williams? I'm not sure we did. He was a human.

I intentionally went way over the top as a way of trying to illustrate the absurdity of this whole thing.

And because I legitimately find this infuriating.

3:03 PM, January 30, 2007  
Blogger James said...

I think that what has gotten me frustrated over the Barbaro backlash is that the same people showing anger over Barbaro's death getting so much publicity are the only people that are actually comparing the death of a horse to that of a human. None of the articles start off saying, "Just one month after losing Bronco's defensive back Darrent Williams, the Sports world has lost another great one..."

The eulogies and what not may seem over the top, but I've seen nothing that makes me think anyone with an ounce of sense would rather have Barbaro back over Darrent Williams.

9:13 AM, January 31, 2007  
Blogger The OCC said...

Couldn't have written it better myself:

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/millions_of_americans_travel_to

4:18 PM, February 05, 2007  

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