Au Revoir, Horsie
Aside from the occasional cockroach stomp, mouse trapping, potentially venomous spider crushing (and perhaps one accidental squirrel mashing with auto vehicle at some point in time), I can safely and accurately say that I have never inflicted serious harm on an animal in my entire life.
But at this precise moment, I feel like loading up a double-barrel shotgun and blasting a horse directly in the gut. On live television. While smiling.
Or at the very least (and perhaps more accurately), I feel like taking a live horse, cutting off a sizable slab of horse meat with a machete or other sharp knife, and proceeding to use said piece of equine flesh to slap anyone who’s feeling heartbroken about Barbaro’s death directly in the face.
And if there’s time, I’d like to double back to club all the people who are writing fake heartfelt eulogies about this damn beast.
I’ve said it before on this site and now I’ll say it one more time as clearly as I can:
It was just a horse. Get over it.
Honestly, I think I had more of a poignant emotional response to the fact that LeBron dunked on Barbosa over the weekend than I did to Barbaro finally croaking on Monday.
And I’m positive that I was more upset that a certain character got clipped during Season 4 of The Wire than I was that Barbaro at long last had his painstaking saga squashed out.
The more I think about it, in a vacuum I could empathize with this horse’s plight – if only this vacuum weren’t overcrowded with sappy morons who are so desperate to make this (now dead) horse into some kind of plucky, lovable underdog inspirational mascot even though it’s clearly just not (and never was) working for any member of the American sports-watching public who has anything close to one iota of perspective as to what’s actually important or compelling and what’s not.
So to the horse Barbaro, sitting there alone in the vacuum: R.I.P., dude.
To those who can’t stop obsessing over this and trying to turn it into something bigger than it is, just know this:
Tonight at OCC HQ, we dine on the delicacy known as "Flesh of Horse."And if there are any leftovers whatsoever, we're going to pick them up and promptly slap you with them.