I'm Sorry, Did I Stutter?

Last night around 10 p.m. I was in a friend's car when we flipped the All-Star Game on the radio to find Bud Selig mid-speech:

"Roberto Clemente was and always will be remembered for his wonderful humanitarian efforts," said the Commish in his most grave and somber tone (which sounds exactly like his most aloof and disinterested tone). He continued, "Roberto Clemente was taken from his wife, Vera, his children, and from all of us much too young while escorting a planeload of emergency supplies to earthquake victims in Nicawagwa on December 31, 1972."

"Hang on a sec," I said. "Did he just say Nicawagwa?"
"I believe he did," replied my friend.

Incredulous that Selig could have possibly pronounced "Nicaragua" like he was a 7-year-old with a speech impediment, I dialed it up on the DVR upon returning home, and sure enough, on TV it sounded exactly the same way. Is this possible? Did anyone else notice this? Is there any precedent for a grown man lapsing into small child speak at the most inopportune of moments? Reminds me a little bit of the movie Dead Again when Frankie starts stuttering completely out of the blue and suddenly you realize that he's the grown up version of the same kid who killed Margaret so many years ago and is now hunting down her reincarnated self in an attempt to destroy her second life. Who's following me? Anyone? Anyone?

A couple other very important topics to discuss:

• Did anyone else notice the shit-eating grins on the faces of the White Sox coaching staff after Michael Young's 2-run triple in the top of the 9th last night? Think that was pure American League pride as Ozzie & Co. congratulated Young on his way back into the dugout? Not exactly. They had one thing on their mind: This guy just got us home field advantage in the World Series. What a colossally stupid rule. Does anyone watch the All-Star Game because it determines home field advantage? No. If you're the type of person who's going to watch the All-Star Game, you're going to watch it regardless. Not like they're roping in people who aren't serious sports fans with the lure of home field advantage -- people who aren't serious sports fans think that home field advantage means deciding what goes on the menu when you're hosting a dinner party at your place Friday night.

• Friend of mine was sitting in an ATL barbershop on Wednesday talking about the All-Star Game when in walked Marlins' outfielder Jeremy Hermida. Seeing that the barber and my friend were talking baseball, Hermida proceeded to join the conversation, at which point he advised my friend that he should trade for him in his fantasy league. Which reminds me -- there's really nothing quite like a good haircut when it comes to boosting morale. Here's Hermida, coming off a dismal first half during which he couldn't stay healthy and hit only 2 HR's, but the guy is feeling like a thousand bucks right now. Thinking I may have to head over to the barbershop and get me a haircut as well. Of course, it's a calculated gamble, because the bad haircut can really send you into an emotional tailspin.
  

• So we now know that Marco Materazzi did indeed provoke the Zinedine Zidane head-butt with some kind of insult, but according to Materazzi he didn't call Zidane a terrorist, as has been reported. And, Materazzi won't confess as to what exactly he said, which is wonderful because now we can speculate rampantly. Here are my best guesses:

1. "The Ocean called. They're running out of shrimp."
2. "Do you like apples?"
3. "Take me to bed or lose me forever."
   
4. "I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again."
5. "I love you, Johnny Cakes."