Leave My Weak Issue Out of This

You know you're having a particularly stellar day when even your e-mail spam starts taking unwarranted cheap shots at you. Got this e-mail today from a person or entity by the name of ouurhbgqkc: "Your dick is your weak issue because it is so small." Wow. As Ron Burgundy once said to his dog Baxter, "You know how to cut to the core of me." Okay, just kidding. But seriously, what kind of sales pitch is this where the salesperson begins things by blatantly insulting the size of my member? No need to answer that -- I just realized it is probably, like 81% of all spam out there, something having to do with improving one's penis size. Well, ouurhbgqkc -- thanks for the generous offer (and more importantly thank you for bestowing upon me the glorious new insult "Your dick is your weak issue," which I will soon be saying to just about everyone I meet), but I'm going to have to go ahead and decline your offer of enlarged penis in exchange for money.

Now, onto some chatter from the sporting world:

• Though insults between them have not yet reached the point of Ozzie Guillen telling Jay Mariotti that his dick is his weak issue, things appear to be escalating further between the White Sox manager and the Sun-Times columnist after Guillen's recent labeling of Mariotti as a "fag." Prior to this episode, I always thought Ozzie was eccentric, fiery, and suffered from a semi-chronic case of oral diarrhea (that sounds gross). Now, I'm starting to think he's just insane. One of my favorite things about this whole saga is Guillen's explanation that in his native Venezuela, the term "fag" means something completely different and is not about sexuality as much as it's about having the cojones to confront another man face-to-face (no pun intended). Well, that explanation is terrific, and actually resolves everything, except...this isn't Venezuela. I don't think you can just go to any country, insult people in the native language and then say that in your country that it means something different. Tried that in Beirut once and it did not go particularly well.

• Word out of just about every media outlet I've read is that the Hawks are planning to spend the #5 pick in the draft on Shelden Williams, a move that means they'll: a) likely have Royal Ivey and Tyronn Lue manning the point next year, b) probably pass up a player at the same position (LaMarcus Aldridge) who's taller, more athletic and has more upside, c) reach for a player in Williams they could probably get five picks later if they traded down and d) continue to ignore their problems at point guard. And yes, I know I already mentioned that in item a), but it merits saying twice. Things are looking good for ATL sports. At least the Braves are playing well. (Stop laughing, you bastards.)