Safety First

• There's been a dizzying amount of coverage lately on Ben Roethlisberger's recent motorcycle accident, and I don't want to sound insensitive considering the seriousness of his injuries, but now that he appears to be past the worst of it, this needs to be said: Ben Roethlisberger is an idiot. And it seems to me that most writers out there aren't focused enough on this fact. Sure, there are many out there making efforts to scold him and question his failure to use a helmet, but that's almost letting him off too easy -- like telling the disobedient son, "Don't let it happen again!" In my younger days, I once jumped off a moving school bus. Why? For the thrill of it. And I fell hard. Shortly after I fell, an older student stuck his head out the window to look down at me. What did he say? No, he did not express his sympathy or concern. He looked at me with disdain and yelled out, "Dumb ass." And he was right. So why exactly are we treating Roethlisberger like some kind of tragically-flawed hero here? If the guy's too dumb to wear a helmet, then that's his business. Personally, I don't care -- and you won't hear me preaching about what people should and shouldn't do on their bikes. It's his right (contractual provisions aside) to be wreckless. But I reserve the right to call him a dumb ass, and I wish everyone out there would do the same. The ridiculous thing is, it almost seems like his status has elevated during the course of this incident, and that makes me want to puke. I'm glad he's recovering, but let's not skew the facts here -- tempting fate and surviving doesn't make you a hero; it makes you lucky.
  

• In other notable news from the "whoopsie" files, former Duke guard and soon-to-be lottery pick J.J. Redick got slapped with a DUI Tuesday morning. Now I know I'm going to sound just a touch hypocritical here given my recent attempts to lambast Ben Roethlisberger for his foolishness, but part of me can't help but consider this Redick DUI a wonderful turn of events. And truthfully, I think most non-Duke fans out there will agree with me, but I'm pleased not because I harbor an immense dislike for Redick like most of you. Nay, this news comes as welcome to me because like the time Duke alum Christian Laettner got busted for sparking doobies, this recent foray into criminality gives the previously gooberish Redick a much-needed edge. Somehow, knowing that J.J. Redick occasionally finds himself inclined to break the law gives me just a little bit more respect for him. I know that sounds twisted, and kids -- I'm not condoning crime here. But some people are so irritatingly one-dimensional (in Redick's case, this means being the unbelievably smug guy who hits every jump shot) that they need a little shot of bad behavior to spice things up. So if you ask me, J.J. -- keep hitting the bottle. Just make sure you wear your helmet if you're going to drive.

• There are some days -- and they are admittedly rather dark days -- that I find myself thinking that the finest sports reporting out there is what is printed on the completely fabricated pages of The Onion. Today I came across this story, which explains how the Mavs are planning to employ a new tactic -- machetes -- as part of the "Hack-A-Shaq" defense. In quite graphic detail, the story describes how the Mavs -- per Avery Johnson's instructions -- will chop Shaq to pieces when he gets the ball. (Different players are assigned to hack at different parts of his body.) The Heat's response? A gimmick defense called the "Berserk-A-Dirk," which entails "unleashing a rabid, meth-crazed Gary Payton" to guard Dirk Nowitzki. Now that's not such a bad idea. Are "greenies" legal in the NBA? If so, let's get Gary some ASAP. This I would need to see.