Hit, Run, and Waddle

• You've probably heard by now through more reputable news outlets that Broncos' QB Jake Plummer was recently involved in a hit-and-run/road rage/maniacal outburst unbefitting a man of his salary. As reported in the Denver Post, a man named Doug Stone complained to police that he had been the victim of a hit-and-run by a man driving a gray Honda van registered to Plummer. Said a witness of the incident, "Being who he is, he should really be a role model, and I'm really shocked that he would do such a thing." I too am shocked and appalled, but not by Plummer's behavior -- but by his choice of car. A gray minivan? Are you serious, Jake? What are you doing, toting neighborhood kids to soccer practice? You are supposed to be a role model, and while any realistic sports fan knows not to expect you to uphold the law, we do expect you to drive a bad-ass car. So if you can't avoid busting people up in your vehicle and then soon after fleeing the scene, the very least you could do is upgrade your ride.

• Barry Bonds, is that you? I'm confused, for just the other day I read this story in which Bonds sounds -- dare I say -- affable. Specifically, he is quoted as telling Albert Pujols that he wants him (Pujols) to break his single-season home run record. And while that alone isn't enough to make Bonds suddenly a good guy (we all know better than that), in the article he repeatedly says things that make him seem almost momentarily likable. Which makes me think the thing wasn't properly fact-checked.

• Don't you wish that Heineken commerical... would stop playing? Don't you wish that Heineken commercial... would stop playing? Don't you...

• While watching Twins' manager Ron Gardenhire get ejected from Wednesday's game against the Indians and seeing the umpire use the very standard ejection move of slightly bending one leg at the knee and emphatically pointing in the direction of the stands, it occurred to me: How great would it be if umpires had signature ejection moves? For instance, one umpire could have the special ejection move of ripping the team insignia patch off the manager's jacket. Or another ump could make it his M.O. to de-pants the manager right there on the field. Are you telling me the fans wouldn't go insanely wild when a manager came out of the dugout to argue if they knew there was a chance he was going to have his pants unceremoniously yanked off at the end of the argument? Just picturing Bobby Cox waddling off the field with his pants around his ankles after an ejection is almost enough to make me laugh out loud. And yes, I'm fully aware that this means I have mental problems. I think I hear someone striking a gong offstage -- it's time to end this post immediately before I say something really stupid I might regret. (Too late.)