Meet the Hawks

Got an e-mail from a cousin of mine the other day in which I learned, among a few other things which I shall not bore you with at this time, that Salim Stoudamire has a myspace account. Perhaps not the most noteworthy fact in and of itself, but after a few minutes of browsing I did discover some interesting facts about Salim and his network of friends (some of whom you might recognize by name). Ladies and gentlemen, introducing yooooouuuuurrr ATLANTA HAWKS!

• Salim Stoudamire: Hopes to "reach inner peace." Says "Time is a state of mind, flowing at Salim's pace." I hadn't thought about it that way, but he raises a good point. The song on his profile is "Carpe Diem," by Madgesdiq. Salim and Madgesdiq appear to be friends. Also, Salim says, "I love you all."
  

• Josh Childress: Headline quote says "Just play a little D & I'll make ur mouth dribble." Not sure exactly what that means but it sounds vaguely disgusting. I don't think I necessarily want my mouth to dribble. And if I were choosing the headline quote for J-Chill, I think I would make it read, "God I have a weird looking jump shot." There is also a sequence of photos that runs on Childress' page with captions, one of which is I believe a picture of a young J-Chill with the line "He is learning the power of the 'fro" below it. There's also one of him dunking on Yao that says "He shouldn't have jumped!!" And, if you scroll down the page and look at the comments left by Childress' friends, there's a picture that defies description -- a man in some kind of swimsuit/leotard thing who might be wearing eye makeup and has his testicles hanging out of said bizarre garment. Very disturbing image. Underneath it, the friend wrote the caption: "U R NUTS!!!...Y DID U LEND OUT YOUR SWIMSUIT???...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH..." Not sure if I can ever think about Josh Childress again without conjuring the horrible image of him wearing this swimsuit with his balls hanging out. You're going to have to look at this to see for yourselves.

• Donta Smith: Okay, so he hasn't exactly developed into a serious player in the NBA, but if the photos of his friends are any indication, Donta appears to have no such shortcomings as a player in the game of sexing ladies. I would say his portfolio is looking strong to very strong. I have mentioned it before and I will now mention it again: I think being an NBA benchwarmer is truly one of the greatest gigs out there.


• Tyronn Lue: Thanks for 11 seconds of my life I'll never have back, Tyronn. There is nothing at all to be seen on this profile, aside from a picture of MJ and Ty walking on the court together in Wizards unis. Also, just so you know, Tyronn Lue doesn't want kids.


• Esteban Batista: The unknown Hawks big man is listed as "Grande Puto" under Josh Childress' list of friends. Curious what this familiar-sounding but not altogether understood word "Puto" meant, I googled it, clicked on the first link that came up and found that in some instances it has rather unsavory connotations. Like, it means "male hooker." Which means that Esteban Batista has been referred to by at least one Hawks teammate as a "big male hooker." Which, it goes without saying, is awesome. Also, Batista has a friend named NaTaLia who appears, based on her profile, to be of the licentious sort. Have I mentioned I wouldn't be angry if I woke up tomorrow and was a benchwarmer on an NBA team? Willing to relocate within United States to accomplish said goal. (Salary demands are flexible.)

I hope you enjoyed this edition of Meet the Hawks. Coming up soon, we shall attempt to track down the myspace profiles of some pro hoops players who are actually relevant. Or do relevant players not need myspace pages because they're already relevant in the first place?

By the way -- operating under the premise that he does indeed love us all, I have asked Salim Stoudamire to become one of my myspace friends. Still awaiting his reply. If there ever comes a day that Josh Childress lists me as one of his friends with a caption that refers to me as a big male whore or anything along those lines, I will be a very proud human being.