Trouser Snakes: Meant to Stay in the Cage

A friend recently called my attention to a surreal sequence of events that took place during what appears to have been a European club soccer game. During said incident, a defender takes a grab at a player's shorts, latches on, and in so doing somehow manages to unsheath the player's member, which proceeds to flacidly thrash about like a Peruvian water snake which has been unexpectedly marooned on shore. Note: I wish I was kidding, but I am not. See the video for evidence, at your own risk. Also note: I'm pretty certain there is no such thing as a Peruvian water snake, but I would appreciate it if we could all begin to use this as a euphemism for male genatalia at once.

As it just so happens, I have a couple of observations about this mishap:

1) Has the player whose johnson was exposed ever heard of compression shorts, or at the very least underwear? I'm sorry, but this kind of penile galavanting just has no place in modern sport. If this were Roman times, I might understand. But things being as they are, I just can't permit it.
2) Considering the relative ease with which the trouser snake appears to have been unfurled, does anyone else subscribe to the theory that the player (whom we shall heretoforth refer to as "Johnson") might have been rolling commando style? Though I would have to think such a thing is unheard of at the sport's highest levels, I have heard of athletes doing some stupid things with regard to protecting the nether regions.
3) If you didn't notice the first time, rack that video up once more and take a look first at the defender's stunned expression when he realizes that he's face-to-face with a loosely dangling wang, then look at Johnson's face as he exasperatedly throws his hands up as if to say, "Are you happy now, asshole? You've gone and pulled out my penis."

A few other things to discuss:

• In news from presumed and/or confirmed former steroid users who are desperately wishing for days when they were relevant, Sammy Sosa has hinted at a MLB comeback, even though he should most likely be focused on trying to catch on with a team in the Golden League, where Jose Canseco recently enlisted, only to demand a trade within two days of his first appearance with his new team. The AP headline reads "Canseco Seeks, Receives Trade Because of Family Obligations," though I believe it should say "Canseco Seeks, Receives Trade Because of Desperately Needing Attention."

• As someone who has been known to throw down quantities of food disproportionate to a man of my stature, I've got to doff my cap to Takeru Kobayashi. That guy is good. And on a side note that proves for the n-millionth time how juvenile I am, I think the main reason I like competitive eating is because sometimes people throw up.

• Lastly, a few final words on Eddie Griffin's vehicular pornfest: Apparently, Eddie decided to take my recent suggestion to come up with an excuse for crashing his car other than essentially saying "I was masturbating while driving." Eddie's new explanation -- he dropped his cell phone and was searching for it. I'm guessing it's probably too little too late, considering that an eyewitness says Griffin confessed he was wanking it behind the wheel, but at least this is progress -- maybe the next time Eddie decides to go buck wild on a random erotic impulse he'll think better than to fess up as to the real reason his car went a tad bit off course. While I'm at it, I also must call out the CBS News story linked above, which at one point reads, "Key questions are why Griffin wasn't tested for alcohol and why the officers drove him out of the city to his home in St. Paul." Call me insane, but I would argue the key question is: Why in the hell was Eddie Griffin watching pornography and masturbating in his moving car? We may not ever know for sure, but I'd wager the answer might have something to do with the fact that Eddie Griffin just doesn't care. But at least he had the common decency to expose himself in his car rather than on a soccer pitch.