February 09, 2007

On the Run from Johnny Law: Ain't No Trip to Cleveland













As we all wait in uncontrollable anticipation for the signature event of the sports calendar year – The Pro Bowl – we can at least take a small measure of relief in having some NFL-related news to tide us over.

Said news comes courtesy of Chargers’ safety Terrence Kiel, who recently pled guilty to shipping packages of cough syrup to Texas.

It’s just the latest in a string of borderline innocuous run-ins with Johnny Law for Kiel, whose criminal resume reads more like the dossier of an irreverent middle schooler than it does a criminal mastermind.

Consider his noteworthy transgressions:

1) Shipping cough syrup to Texas to be mixed with soft drinks, thereby creating a concoction called “lean.”

Okay, so the aforementioned cough syrup does contain codeine, which is a controlled substance and is not necessarily something you want your kiddies ingesting along with Saltine crackers after school.

So while it’s clear on one level why this is a serious offense, it also sounds very silly on the surface to say that this guy is in big trouble because he was shipping packages of cough syrup to mix with soda.

What’s next – grinding Flinstones vitamins into a fine powder, combining them with Pop Rocks and snorting them for hallucinogenic effects? Really now. And what do we think this “lean” concoction does, anyway? Based on the name, you’d think it was some sort of weight loss aid, but there’s certainly a very large part of me that hopes its effects are much more similar to PCP and give you the temporary superhuman ability to run through brick walls, absorb multiple bullets and dive headlong through plate glass windows. (Because all of those things are obviously high comedy.)

So we’re going to reserve judgment until we’ve had a chance to try this so-called “lean” concoction first hand. (As soon as that box of cough medicine arrives that Terrence was supposed to ship, we’ll let you know.)

2) In addition to his notable ties to Triaminic, Kiel has also been under investigation by the U.S. Bureau of Customs and Immigration Enforcement for his involvement with counterfeit Nikes from China.

Wait a second – cough syrup, soda, and sneakers? Could you put together a criminal empire with more innocuous materials if you tried? Maybe he could somehow mix in a couple of hula hoops and some Hello Kitty memorabilia to really take this enterprise over the top.

3) It also has to be noted that Kiel is currently facing a February 20 court date for a count of public urination.

And frankly, that’s where we have to draw the line.

Peeing on the street?

This is one sick bastard.

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Speaking of sick bastards, you may have heard by now about the Bears fan who is legally changing his name to Peyton Manning after making a vow at a bar that he would take the Indy QB’s name if the Colts beat the Bears in the Super Bowl.

Explains the artist soon to be formerly known as Scott Wiese, “I made the best, and now I’ve got to keep it.”

Here’s the thing, Scott (or should we say, Peyton): No you don’t.

Does this guy understand anything about drunken pledges? Pretty much the whole point of making them is that they’re generally hilarious at the time and then you wake up the next day and realize it’s a horrible idea.

Sure we’ve all at one time or another made semi-inebriated reference to chopping off various limbs if certain events do or don’t unfold, but this doesn’t mean the next morning we all actually woke up, picked up a katana blade and went to work on lopping off our arms. (The exception to this case being delusional rugby fan Geoffrey “Hacksaw” Huish, who actually did go ahead and cut off his testicles because of a sports-related pledge he made to a friend.)

In any case, we can probably all agree that this little name changing strays way closer to unnecessarily reckless and idiotic behavior than it does honorable upholding of a promise.

If we did all the things we said we were going to do while under the influence of alcohol, or “lean,” or whatever substance floats our respective boat, we would most likely all be limbless, testicle-less freaks who legally changed our name to Billy Joe Tolliver (for reasons we’d rather not explain).

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Hey, did you catch the news that Gilbert Arenas is going to be in the three-point shooting contest at All-Star weekend?

What are the chances that:

a) he attempts to shoot one-handed;

b) he stands by the ball rack and makes distracting fake shooting motions while the other players are attempting to shoot;

c) he wins the whole thing and then flops around on the floor like a dead fish;

d) a still bitter and wildly resentful DeShawn Stevenson, having consumed ungodly amounts of “lean” in a very short period of time, finds his way into the arena and attempts to assassinate Arenas with a bow and arrow because he’s still bitter that Gilbert took his $20,000?

Okay, none of these are particularly likely, but given his antics during his recent post practice three-point contest with Stevenson, there’s at least a small chance that Gilbert will try to pants Dirk Nowitzki while the German is pulling one of the money balls off the rack (so to speak).

It's hard to remember a player who’s so enjoyable and entertaining to watch yet at the same time would so clearly be the most annoying and infuriating guy to compete against.

If the NBA and TNT really wanted to up TV ratings for All-Star weekend, they'd stage an Arenas-Stevenson rematch live, directly following the regular three-point shootout. They could play the original video on the big screen first just to bring the entire crowd up to speed, and then bring in Stevenson in a boxer's robe, walking in to James Brown's "The Payback."

This would be excellent television.

4 Comments:

Blogger Steve Barton said...

I don't know karate, but I know KA-RAZY!!!

11:45 AM, February 10, 2007  
Anonymous Aimee Berg said...

Dear OCC,

1) During the UCLA/West Virginia game today, CBS was actually promoting the Pro Bowl as "Tiki Barber's last game." So stupid.

2) Perhaps Mr. Kiel was attempting to bring back the "Flaming Homer" (also known as a "Flaming Moe"), the secret ingredient of which was Krusty's Non Narkotic Kough Syrup for Kids.

3) Public urination? Glass houses, baby. Glass houses. Just saying. (And I hope you didn't take any video of one of your companions last night in Brooklyn.)

4) Although I never pledged to give up any of my body parts, I'm always saying I would "give Vernon's left teste" for certain things to happen. Vernon is a real person -- he was a high school classmate of my roommate Tobin -- but I've never met him.

5) I endorse your Arenas/Stevenson rematch plan. It should replace the dunk contest. And Tyrus Thomas should be forced to pay the winner $20,000.

Love,
Rick Mahler

8:55 PM, February 10, 2007  
Blogger The OCC said...

You've pretty much said it all here. Well put on all counts. I hadn't thought about having Tyrus Thomas pay up for the winner, but that's ingenious.

By the way, are you saying that you're not going to be absolutely glued to the TV when the Pro Bowl's on to see what Tiki does in his final game?

6:02 PM, February 11, 2007  
Blogger JBS said...

For some reason OCCs bullets had me laughing outload here at work and then the comments from "aimee" added more to it.

There is so much opportunity for good television surrounding the all-star game that it frustrates me to no end that they won't just make it happen. even the sport's guys H-O-R-S-E suggestion would be dynamite. the NBA more than any other league, owing to the small size of the teams and the salaries, is about personal vendettas and gambling. why not have an anything goes shooting contest 25K buy-in. open to anyone who was ever an all-star. Barkley could get involved and have a contest against that angolan who was throwing 'bows in the 1992 olympics. sh*t have artest and wallace shoot it out for 100k. Who wouldn't make haste to the nearest sports bar to watch that over some beers.

10:17 AM, February 12, 2007  

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