February 21, 2007

Man Versus Beast

In the most compelling and sensational case of alleged animal cruelty since the publicized reports of Ron Artest’s blatant neglect of his Great Dane named Socks about a week and a half ago, Falcons’ defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux has been accused of killing his girlfriend’s dog, a pit bull mix named Kilo.

Since we’ve forever condemned ourselves to displaying a callous coldness when it comes to the inhumane treatment of animals in the wake of our tirade against the excessive and misplaced outpouring of sympathy towards Barbaro, we’re not going to write a eulogy here for Kilo.

There will be no fond memories of the dog’s year and a half on this earth, in part because we have none to share, but more so because we’d hate to appear hypocritical even though we will admit we don’t condone the slaying of canines in any capacity. (Unless they are a breed of gun-toting, helmeted dogs who are plotting to empty our bank accounts and steal all of our perishable foods.)

By all accounts, however, Kilo was just a normal dog with no malicious intentions who appears to have gotten in the way of a 286-pound man. (For the record, 286 pounds translates to about 130 kilograms, or “kilos,” if you prefer the abbreviation.)

It should also be noted that according to police reports, Kilo died of “blunt force trauma” to the head, which inevitably calls to mind Duke’s motivational speech from Rocky Balboa, which is by far the best part of the reasonably entertaining if not a bit too sappy and predictable film:

“To beat this guy, you need speed. You don’t have it. You’ve got calcium deposits on most of your joints, so sparring is out. So what we’ll be calling on is blunt… force… trauma. Heavy duty punches that will rattle his ancestors. Let’s start buildin’ some hurtin’ bombs.”

Wow. You had us at “blunt force trauma,” Duke. If that speech doesn’t get you just a little bit fired up, you’ve got issues.

In fact, Duke’s monologue is so engrossing that we lost track of what we were talking about. Ahh yes, animal brutality. Right – fun times.

For the record, Babineaux has denied “rattling Kilo’s ancestors” in any way, so it remains to be seen whether or not he’ll actually face any kind of penalty for allegedly unleashing his “hurtin’ bombs” on the hound.

Whatever the case, we’d like to say that while we are contractually obligated to show no outward feelings of sympathy towards the deceased mutt due to the “Barbaro Clause,” we would like to say that our thoughts are with Kilo’s family and his close friend Ace, Babineaux’s other dog who has temporarily been taken into custody pending the investigation and should definitely think carefully before he considers snitching.

Just a hunch, but we have a feeling that Mr. Babineaux wouldn’t look too kindly upon such behavior.


Blogger James said...

You heartless bastard! Just kidding. Seriously, though, what is with these guys and dogs? Doesn't everyone either A) love dogs or B) not want to kill dogs? I would think even someone with a fear of dogs, which many people do have, would not prefer them all dead. I guess the assumption that most of America falls into 1 of the 2 categories above is false.

4:27 PM, February 21, 2007  
Anonymous Aimee Berg said...

Duke's rant actually continued, but his further comments ended up on the cutting room floor:

"Let's start buildin' some hurtin' bombs. Did you bring the vial of HGH or do we have to swing by your apartment first? I'm runnin' low on syringes, so you might want to give Paulie a call and see if he can pick a few up. By the way, Rock -- don't bring any of this shit to Australia."

2:29 PM, February 25, 2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think you are ridiculous. You dont have any sympathy for a dog or a horse but get all fired up when Tim Hardaway says he hates gay people on a basketball team? Give me a fucking break!I would much rather see a dead faggot than a dead dog or horse anyday. Actually, I dont care if the gay person stays in his gay clubs and takes it up his ass on his own terms, but a locker room has no room for any gayness. I wonder why that gay basketball player was a 6'10'' mike roman who would rather post someone up to rub his ass on their cock than to get a fucking rebound...

9:15 AM, March 04, 2007  
Blogger James said...


Synonymous with "bigot."

11:36 AM, March 05, 2007  
Blogger The OCC said...

Let me get this straight... you think I'm ridiculous?

2:25 PM, March 06, 2007  

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