It's Hard to Throw Straight When You're Drunk

For those of us who were all waiting for the other shoe to drop on Red Sox signee Daisuke Matsuzaka – a star pitcher in his prime with a golden arm and the chance to be a New England baseball demigod – that proverbial shoe has finally plummeted to the floor.

There’s really no way to break this news gently, so we’ll just come out and say it:

Daisuke Matsuzaka drinks beer.

Yes, that’s right – this so-called baseball hero likes to chug big frothy glasses of Asahi Super “Dry” ale, as depicted in a wildly popular Japanese television ad.

This revelation has caused a great deal of concern among officials in Major League Baseball in light of the fact that MLB doesn’t allow its players to endorse beer here in the U.S. (though that rule does not apply internationally).

Said Red Sox director of media relations John Blake, “It’s a perception, and we certainly want our players to be perceived in the right light.”

You can, of course, understand Blake’s – and to a greater extent, Major League Baseball’s – concern. The sport would never want its players to be associated with a foul-smelling, mind-altering, completely harmless if consumed in small quantities beverage that might just for a moment potentially distract its fans from the fact that many players are still most likely injecting far more disconcerting substances than Asahi Super Dry into their bloodstream on a regular basis.

The point here is – and it’s a point that’s been made on this site before – let’s all relax and get our priorities straight. Quit wasting money and resources on keeping players from endorsing beer when many of them are still (indirectly) endorsing illegal drugs by getting huge and swatting homers thanks to said drugs.

And for the record, we weren’t sure exactly why this commercial is so wildly popular in Japan until the final seconds, when Matsuzaka pounds the beer, lets out a sigh and then pensively looks into the empty glass as though he’s peering into its soul. The commercial then cuts to him throwing a pitch and promptly ends with the words Super Dry on the screen, touched off by a single note on what sounds like a xylophone, for no apparent reason whatsoever.

Maybe not quite on par with “For relaxing times, make it Suntori time,” but it’s quality work nonetheless.