July 23, 2006

This One's for the Kids

Well, it's summertime in New York, and frankly, what a delight. Scorching temperatures, strange and pungent smells normally buried by colder climates brought to life by the heat, insufferably warm subway stations -- this is really the place to be.

And if that's not enough -- all the kids are out of school. How splendid! They travel the streets in unruly droves, swarm our normally quiet places of commerce, spill their ice cream on our sandaled feet, and their strollers constantly cross our paths as we attempt to walk. Ahh, the joy of having youngsters around. Marvelous, just marvelous.

So it is with these wonderful young rays of light in mind that I now present to you the first ever installment of The OCC's Lessons for the Children:

Lesson #1: If in the future you're going to repeatedly get in trouble with the law, some originality would be appreciated. For an example, look no further than Shawn Kemp, who seems to think it's okay to repeatedly appear in the news for the same violation (possession of narcotics). Kids, I assure you -- this is not okay. If you're going to pop up on the police blotter time and again, you'll need to mix in some assorted other charges: Crapping in somebody else's laundry hamper, showing up at the airport with a prosthetic urinating device, cutting off your johnson and throwing it at the police...actually, never mind that last one. In fact, it's probably best that we leave this particular lesson for another time.

Lesson #2: Sometimes if you hear something called a "children's book," that still doesn't mean it's actually meant for you kids to read. Recently, Eagles' QB Donovan McNabb referred to former teammate Terrell Owens' autobiography as a "children's book," but this was actually McNabb's way of saying "Terrell Owens is a churlish, immature lout and his book is as pathetically juvenile and self-serving as he is." So, don't run out to buy that Terrell Owens children's book just yet, kids -- I think you'd find it a rather unsatisfying summer read.

Lesson #3: If you know any old people who are really starting to show their age, try not to do anything that would point this out to them. On Saturday, at the Mets-Astros game, Mets' backup OF Eli Marrero was warming up the pitchers in between innings while Mets' catcher Ramon Castro was putting on his equipment in the dugout. When Marrero was catching warmup pitches from Orlando Hernandez (whose listed age is 36 but real age is probably closer to 81), he (Marrero) was not wearing a catcher's mask. But then, later in the game, when he was warming up Mets' closer Billy Wagner, Marrero suddenly was wearing a mask. See kids, in not wearing a mask for Hernandez but putting one on for Wagner, Marrero might as well have walked up to his elder teammate, kicked him in the center of the groin and said, "Hey oldie, I have no respect for how hard you throw the ball. See how I wore a mask for Wagner and not for you? That's because you're old and you suck."

Lesson #4: Mouth guards are for nerds. This is another one we learned from the Mets. On Sunday, rookie pitcher Mike Pelfrey was gnawing on a blue mouth guard during the game because he has a jaw condition called TMJ. Doesn't that sound nerdy? Well, that's because it is. And I know some of you might point out that Pelfrey probably can't help having a jaw condition and as it just so happens TMJ is very unpleasant and uncomfortable, and to those of you pointing that out, you get a golden star. And the golden star goes right over your mouth so that you will shut up and stop saying such annoying things.

Lesson #5: Bibs are usually for babies, but they're also for people who suck.

Lesson #6: Be careful what you say, because your words actually have magical powers and they might make your worst nightmares come true. Recently, Rockets' center Yao Ming, who has been recovering from a foot injury, said to some people, "Do I look like a guy with a foot injury?" This was Yao's way of saying that his foot is doing much better. But what he doesn't realize is that by saying this he has virtually guaranteed that he is going to suffer from another horrible foot injury sometime very soon.

Lesson #7: Baggy clothes are not just offensive to adults, they are also dangerous. You see, just about every time he throws a pitch, Kansas City Royals' reliever Mike MacDougal's hat falls off his head. Often he is so preoccupied with picking it up that he's bending down to get it before he even looks to see what the batter did with his pitch. Other times he's juggling it around in mid air, trying to catch it from falling to the ground while the batter is swinging away. Did you know, kids, that sometimes batters hit line drives back at the pitcher, and if the pitcher is paying attention, he has a better chance of not dying? Did you also know that Major Leaguers have access to hats of all different sizes?

And that brings us to the word of the day -- Moron.

Well, that's just about all the time we have for today. Hopefully you kids have found this educational and fun. And, hopefully you will all go back to school soon so that your dear old uncle OCC can finally have some peace and quiet.


Post a Comment

<< Home