Away Message

Don't be angry with me, but I'm leaving again for a while. You know how busy I get this time of year!

Like Wyclef Jean once said, I'll be gone 'til November.

Though in this case, I'll be gone 'til March.

If you want to reach me between now and then, the quickest way is to e-mail offcolorcommentator@gmail.com.

Until then --

Just Stopping By...

Well, there's been an overwhelming response from the readership (read: two people have asked where I've been in the past 24 hours), so -- I'm back.

Time is short, but I have a few things on my mind:

-I know this item is a little bit dated by now, but I feel compelled to chime in on the Antonio Davis entering the stands situation. I understand that it's a no-no for players to go into the stands after what happened at The Palace last year, but if we could just take a brief step back and look at this situation from an objective angle -- the man looked into the stands and saw a creepy dude who appeared to be harassing his wife. He then calmly went up there to see what was going on. He didn't sprint up there with fists raised. He didn't pull a switchblade under his sock or unearth a pair of nunchucks from his trousers. All he did was go up and investigate. It's kind of like the old argument about one player mauling another in the course of an NHL game (see Bertuzzi, Todd) -- why isn't that assault when it would be a crime on the street? -- but in this case, it's the reverse. If a guy were to peacefully protect his wife on a random street corner of Anytown USA, would he get punished for it? On the one hand, I can see why there can't be a precedent of allowing players to go into the stands, but at the same time, looking at it objectively, how can Antonio Davis possibly be punished?

-Just want to say that as a Braves fan, and semi-enthusiastic supporter of the much-discussed (amongst my circle, anyway) trade of Andy Marte to the Red Sox for Edgar Renteria, I'm pretty pleased to see Marte about to be shipped off by the Sox to another team. In my strange (and semi-disturbed) logic, this somehow absolves the Braves if Marte now goes out and mashes 27 homers this year (which, for the record, I think he will not). It's now the Red Sox's mistake. (By the way, should there be an "apostrophe s" there after the x? It doesn't look right at all, but I'm at a loss as to what to do.)

-A thought fresh on my mind after Kobe's 81-point outing last night: How is it that the man who makes so many efforts to emulate MJ -- from imitating the signature fadeaway jumper to harnessing the inflection of his voice -- can manage to play so spectacularly on a nightly basis, yet somehow come so far short of creating the awe that #23 created so effortlessly?

-Classy move, Barry. I hope the creaky knee you're protecting explodes during your first spring training game. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm sick of Barry's miserable ass. Greatest player of our era? Maybe. But it's just as easy to look at him as a cheating curmudgeon who is on the verge of trivializing some of the game's most hallowed marks. Hammerin' Hank losing his record to a cyborg? That's just not right. And I know even if Barry is/has been juicing, he's so much better than all the other juicers blah blah blah. Today -- at this moment -- I've had enough. And I wouldn't be the least bit sad if Barry and his 700+ homers went away forever.

-I know this news is somewhat old now, but I feel like it may have slipped under the radar: Damon Jones recently signed a shoe deal with Chinese sportswear company Li Ning. Is it just me, or is Damon Jones unquestionably the most annoying player in the NBA right now? Shut up about what a good shooter you are, Damon! No one cares. Frankly, you play like I play in my rec league on nights when I end the game angry at myself because I played so badly. Granted, you shoot a lot, lot better, but all you do is stand around and gun 3's! You're terrible. I think getting a Chinese shoe deal is way too high profile for you, Damon. You don't even deserve a shoe deal from Vatican City! (Whatever that means.)

Thank you, that is all.

How Rude of Me

Sorry for the lack of posts lately. I have many things to say but little time with which to write them. More to come soon, I hope.

2006: Best Year Ever?

Readers -- a very merry new year to you all. A thousand apologies for my recent absence. I wish that I could tell you I had been away on very important and highly classified business at an undisclosed location which required me to have elite ninja skills and carry a really neat futuristic gun, but alas -- that's not the case. I've just been busier than a pack mule on a mountain trail (whatever that means).

At any rate, we must catch up on some news:

-First and foremost, I don't care if Reggie Bush is the next coming of Marshall Faulk. I don't care that he would probably be a better president than the Bush that we currently are stuck with. It's all irrelevant -- if I'm the Houston Texans, I've gotta think long and hard about taking Vince Young #1, and then, after thinking long and hard about it, I'd do it. This is of course assuming he comes out for the draft, and I can't see how he wouldn't. College is probably not so bad for Vince these days, but the second coming of Mike Vick has no time for school! Get that man in the professionals, where he belongs. Thank you for your services, David Carr. It's been real.

-Did it go unnoticed among all of you that Tracy McGrady recently named his newborn son Laymen Lamar? This is too good. Did T-Mac not ever see that classic Nicolas Cage skit from Saturday Night Live so long ago -- you know the one I'm talking about, right? Asswipe, pronounced ahs-WEE-pay? Well, never mind then. I guess I'm the only one who saw that skit. The point is, if the young McGrady's future friends/tormentors have any sense of humor at all, they'll have a field day with a line of "in Laymen's terms" jokes. For God's sake, your son is already going to have too much attention being the offspring of an NBA superstar. Can't you just name him something quiet that will blend him into the background, like Reginald or Zlatan?

-Gotta take a moment to talk about the Maurice Clarett situation, primarily because I think the account of events is entirely bizarre. Consider the following write-up that appeared in the story that the Worldwide Leader ran --

"Nyarko [the accuser] said after he handed the man his cell phone, a woman came out of the bar and yelled, 'Maurice!' in greeting to the man, who hugged her. He then carried the woman, who police said was bar owner Tashona Corvi, toward the SUV, put her down and got in the vehicle."

I'm not sure about the rest of you, but every time I've mugged someone in the past, I certainly have not stopped in the middle of the proceedings to hug someone, be it a close friend or otherwise. And I most definitely would not pick up said person and carry them over to set them down next to my getaway car. Completely inexplicable behavior. Then again, I suppose so is going from having a chance to get carries in the best system for running backs in the world to pulling petty stick-up jobs within the course of about four months.

-One of the best euphamisms I've seen in a while: Knicks' payroll submarine Jerome James showed up "unprepared to practice" on New Year's Day. To me, "unprepared to practice," particularly on New Year's Day, means "reeking of booze and kielbasa."

Thank you, that is all. Stay tuned for my predictions for 2006, a set of prognostications which I will submit about two weeks too late and which will have about an 11 percent chance of coming true.