Please Pass the Spear

Sometimes you read things that make a very sick and crass part of you happy. Today, I saw this quote from Tigers manager Jim Leyland (speaking of Carlos Guillen) in the Detroit Free Press:

"He can hardly move -- he's got hemorrhoids so bad. He's been playing with hemorrhoids that probably need to be lanced. He probably shouldn't have been out there (third base on Monday)."

Why is this funny? Because butt injuries are funny. It's why we laughed earlier this year when we learned that Kaz Matsui had an anal fissure. It is also why we google image'd "anal fissure," and then promptly vomited.

Another reason this Guillen news is humorous is that it evokes the image of "lancing" ones hemorrhoids. Not sure about you, but for me this conjures the visual of Jim Leyland wielding a giant spear and jamming it at full speed into the buttocks of Carlos Guillen, sending his hemorrhoids one-by-one into an explosive mess of volcano-like rear-end discharge as Leyland cackles and dances and claps his hands in delight.

But maybe that's just me.