I'll Take the Lefty
Sometimes, when you have a numbers crunch (i.e., an odd number of people) in a pickup football game, you designate one player as the all-time quarterback (meaning he plays QB for both teams).
Other times, when you're in prison with a lefty QB possessing incredible wheels and a bazooka for a left arm, you designate him the all-time QB as well.
As Falcons owner Arthur Blank told the NY Daily News, "Apparently, there was a prison football team and he played quarterback for both sides."
The only problem with this from Vick's standpoint is that it's very hard to complete an afternoon as the all-time QB without being accused by at least one person (if not an entire team) of trying harder when you're QB'ing for one of the squads.
The safest thing to do is probably pad the stats of the guys who look like they could whoop your ass.
Or, alternatively, don't go to prison in the first place.