Medieval Behavior

I am embarrassed for America today.

On Monday night, Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis took his family to Medieval Times. Some teenagers asked for his autograph. Eventually, more people crowded around. There was pushing and shoving. A fight broke out.

This is either a statement about what horribly rabid and desperate people sports fans can be, or it's a comment on the declining quality of Medieval Times shows, which are apparently so boring that the sighting of a very good but not incredible NBA player incites full-scale mayhem.

Whatever the case, I am ashamed, and I wasn't even involved (and for the record, had I been there, I would have certainly glanced up from devouring my half chicken with my bare hands, but would not have bum-rushed Rashard to get an autograph -- if anything, I may have attempted to strike some of the teenagers with a broadsword to get them in line).

The operative phrase: Act like you've been there before. And by "there," I don't mean at Medieval Times. I mean "in the presence of celebrities." It's okay to tell someone famous hello or that you're a big fan if you deem it appropriate. It is not okay to get so desperate for his attention that you start cat fighting in the stands at a knight show.

Let's all take a second to compose ourselves.

I will now hack off three of my fingers with a battle ax as a remembrance of this terrible event.