September 11, 2006

NFL Week 1: Things You Probably Don't Need to Know But Might Enjoy Hearing Nonetheless

Due to a set of circumstances that can't (and perhaps should not) be changed, The OCC is going to be watching an inordinate amount of NFL football this season. So for those of you trapped at home with your young child, pregnant wife, invalid nephew or ornery pet alpaca, The OCC is hitting the trenches to bring you important news from the world of football. It

Reggie Bush Will Make Houston Weep for All Eternity. Surely one game is too early to pass judgment on the careers of Reggie Bush and Mario Williams (whom the Texans took one pick ahead of Bush). Right?

Absolutely not. It doesn't matter how good Mario ends up being -- Reggie looked something close to spectacular on Sunday, and you get the sense that he's still figuring out where he's supposed to go and what he's supposed to do. The Saints put the ball in his hands a lot on Sunday and aren't going to stop. If for some odd reason he has a bad Week 2, trade for him in your fantasy league. He's going to be a beast. And if for some reason you decided to hate him as some kind of anti-USC backlash, come down off your high horse and hop on the Reggie Bush bandwagon. It's a fun place to be.

Be Afraid of Falcons. Watched just about every minute of the Falcons-Panthers game, and sure the Panthers were without Steve Smith, but the Falcons defensive line is going to make many a QB mess his trousers this year. John Abraham was tearing through the Panthers' O-line like he was Jason Statham on Crank yesterday.

Also of note: The Falcons' ground game looks equally intimidating. Warrick Dunn and Jerious Norwood were running around like they had each just spent an hour huffing gasoline in the trainer's room. (Why the Falcons drug analogies? Don't know exactly. Once the ball gets rolling with unnecessary references, it's tough to stop. Though perhaps the huffing gas analogy doesn't quite work...saw that movie where Philip Seymour Hoffman was a gas addict and it didn't appear to be the kind of high that might improve one's burst off the line.)

At any rate, you get the point: The Falcons might be really, really good, and the Panthers -- though without their star wideout -- might be overrated as a Super Bowl contender.

Forecast in KC: Cloudy, 92% Chance of Herm. Even before QB Trent Green was concussed in a most brutal manner on Sunday, it was obvious that the Chiefs under new coach Herm Edwards were not going to be a particularly pretty group to watch on offense. Remember how fun they were last year, and the year before, and the year before, when they ran completely wild when they had the football and, much like an NFL version of the Phoenix Suns, seemingly let their opponents come right back at them so that they could get the ball back on offense as quickly as possible?

(Admit it, even though it's not really how the game is supposed to be played, don't you kind of love teams like this? Perhaps they're easy to sympathize with because for those of us who have ever played a sports video game against the computer, we know how incredibly boring it is to watch the computer run its methodical offense, and sometimes we just decide to go ahead and let the other team score, because playing offense is really the most fun part anyway.)

In any case, it's no coincidence that yesterday, Jets' QB Chad Pennington threw for his most yards since Week 7 of 2002. Sure, he's been hurt, and is now presumably healthy, but that's only part of it. Herm Edwards is a defensive coach. Which is to say, his teams suck offensively. If you drafted Trent Green on your fantasy team, you're an idiot, and you most likely should be slapped. (High five! I drafted him too.)

Jacksonville WR Matt Jones Will Tear Out Your Trachea. Which is to say, he's going to be a complete monster. Why insist on this after a seemingly average Week 1 in which he caught 5 balls for 71 yards? Because in 2005, he only caught 5 passes in a game once (excluding a 6-catch playoff game). So...what's your point? Doesn't he just suck? you are probably asking.

The answer is no. Matt Jones, in case you don't know, goes 6-foot-6, runs a I-just-snorted-a-bunch-of-glue 40-yard dash (sorry, couldn't resist) and is still figuring out what the hell he's doing out on the football field. But it looks like this year he might have accelerated the learning curve quite a bit. What a beast. He's going to catch a lot of TD's if Jacksonville can move the ball.

There is bad karma in Detroit. Okay, so the Lions actually played a pretty inspired game yesterday from a defensive standpoint, but what the hell is wrong with that offense? Are Kevin Jones and Roy Williams just flat-out overrated? Has Mike Martz stopped snorting gank and completely lost his crazed mad scientist offensive genius mojo? Probably too early to get upset, but it's a little bit disconcerting. And things aren't going to get much prettier against a Bears defense that completely violated Brett Favre and the Packers on Sunday.

Killer C's. A couple of players you probably haven't noticed or ever heard of or might not even care to know about who look like they could have suprisingly good seasons: Jets' WR Jerricho Cotchery and Saints' WR Marques Colston. Both are young (this is Cotchery's third year; Colston is a rookie) and appear to be nice "I can't throw the ball deep every play because my gimpy-ass shoulder can't handle it" options for their respective QB's (Chad Pennington and Drew Brees).

Also, they both have last names that start with "C," one of which sounds a lot like "crotchety" and the other, if inverted in the proper manner, is eerily close to spelling out "Stone Cold."
Coincidence? I think not.
A couple other thoughts:
  • I know I won't be the first person to say this, but I can't believe September 11th, 2001 was five years ago. That is truly hard to fathom, probably because not a week or two goes by when we don't discuss or read about the event, at least in passing. So when we never truly forget about it, it never can seem that far away. Deep, right?
  • And on the subject of the passing of time, yesterday Julio Franco played third base for the first time since October 2, 1982. In case you were wondering, it doesn't appear that anything truly monumental happened on that day in history, but for a little perspective on what a true stallion Julio Franco is, the last time he played third base before Sunday was the day that New Orleans center Tyson Chandler was born. Which is awesome because...well, because it's the best I could do to find something interesting to say about October 2, 1982. Viva la Julio!


Blogger Frank G Yak said...

Thanks for the NFL Update. Your international readers appreciate learning a little about proper sports. I'm so fucking sick of who Juventus plays next week, i'm ready to huff some noxious car fumes.

Will the Jets and Giants have more wins than the Knicks?

1:18 PM, September 11, 2006  
Anonymous josh said...

I like your analysis of the Killer C's, but in terms of nicknames, I think you have to go with "Marques Colston Creamery".

(If you've never heard of Cold Stone Creamery, the above comment probably sounds quite disgusting.)

2:47 PM, September 11, 2006  
Anonymous joshe said...

The other thing that cracked me up about this post is how much title pretty much describes the OCC in general.

2:57 PM, September 11, 2006  
Blogger jimmyrad said...

So happy football is back.

5:42 PM, September 11, 2006  

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