August 25, 2005

One Penny, a Gallon of Milk, 500 Big Ones and a Six-Game Ban

All I can say is, I wish I had been there to see it. Last weekend when the Dodgers were playing the Marlins in Florida, Dodgers' pitcher (and former Marlin) Brad Penny offered a Marlins’ batboy 500 bones if he could finish off a gallon of milk in less than an hour. The batboy finished the milk in time, but violated one of the key conditions of the bet – he vomited all over the place. I don’t know about you, but to me this is just a hilarious scene to picture. Not so much the batboy puking forth a sickly stream of milky bile, though that is funny, but I have this funny image of Brad Penny buddying around – and placing similar bets with – batboys around the league. It is possible, I suppose, that Penny and this particular bat-handler were friends from Penny’s days in Florida, which is kind of odd and amusing in and of itself.

Of course, the story really gets ridiculous when you find out that the batboy has been handed a six-game suspension by the Marlins for his involvement in the aforementioned dare. Really now, this is just absurd. Can anyone in their right mind fault this kid for engaging in such behavior? Hell, when I was in high school, I once (actually, multiple times) had a contest with a friend of mine to see who could stuff more grapes in his own mouth (this, by the way, once ended quite similarly for me as did the milk incident for the batboy, but that’s another story for another time). The point is, in the grape contest, not only was there no money involved, but it wasn’t a major league baseball player goading me into participating. Honestly, what teenage baseball fan in his right mind is going to tell Brad Penny, “Thanks for the offer, Brad, but I’d rather not risk engaging in your dare – it could really end up getting me in a lot of trouble, and I value my position here with the Marlins.” Don't be silly.

I suppose the one positive of this kid getting a six-game suspension is that it highlights exactly how meaningless the current punishment is for a first-time steroid offender. That’s right – for jamming a needle filled with steroids into your ass, you get 10 games, just four more than our intrepid milk-chugger got for taking a dare from a guy he clearly idolizes. As Penny told the Miami Herald, “It’s kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk.”

Not sure I could have phrased it better myself, though I think Penny meant his comment to reflect the unduly harsh nature of the Marlins’ punishment more than to have it be an indictment of baseball’s current punishment for steroid offenses. Either way you look at it, the comment speaks volumes.

Or I suppose, in this case, gallons.


Blogger elijah the prophet said...

in college i once had the privilege of watching what we called the "cow challenge". it was the same deal with about 5 college kids seeing if they could each drink a gallon of milk in less than an hour. sadly, nobody finished the challenge successfully. at least i got to see a lot of white puke, and that has to count for something.

2:50 PM, August 25, 2005  
Anonymous Jeff said...

This sounds like how my work used to be. We once had someone try to eat 80 mini corn dogs in an hour. He got to 76 and threw up. And he made it through the first 40 or so blazingly fast.

"Ain't no man can eat 80 mini corn dogs in an hour"

6:52 PM, August 25, 2005  
Blogger The OCC said...

76. That's a lot of mini corn dogs. I don't even know what mini corn dogs look like, though if I had to guess I would say they look like small corn dogs.

In other news, it doesn't seem like a gallon of milk in one hour would be so hard to do. I think I can do it. But clearly it's harder than I think if it's claimed so many victims.

11:10 PM, August 25, 2005  
Blogger jimmyrad said...

I double dog dare you to try.

12:03 AM, August 26, 2005  
Blogger elijah the prophet said...

therein lies the greatness of the cow challenge. it seems so easy because its only a gallon and you have a whole hour to do it. the issue is that the body cant digest milk very well. i think its the lactose or something. if you are going to try you could at least have the decency of making sure somebody who has a camera is with you.

12:38 AM, August 26, 2005  
Anonymous Ninja Jack said...

It is on. When is this fiesta going to take place? I'll buy the milk. Should it be Whole? 1%? Skim? Goat? Breast?

This competition has to happen I want to see the Off Color Commentator drink that milk down.

11:59 AM, August 29, 2005  
Blogger jimmyrad said...

gotta be at least 1%. OCC could use some meat on those bones.

3:14 PM, August 29, 2005  
Blogger The OCC said...

Hold on. Hold the phone here. As The Dude says in The Big Lebowski, "New shit has come to light, man."

I didn't know that it was physically impossible to down a gallon of milk because of the lactose factor. All bets are off now (unless I'm offered more money).

1% milk works for me.

11:45 PM, August 29, 2005  

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