Who Farted?

It’s remarkable to think that during a week featuring the NBA conference finals, the NBA Draft lottery and some compelling divisional baseball rivalries such as Yankees-Red Sox and Braves vs. Mets, the overarching question on everyone’s mind seems to be, “Does Josh Hamilton have diarrhea?”

Okay, in fairness, the question technically speaking is, “Does (or did) Josh Hamilton have gastroenteritis?” But for the record, as far as we’re concerned, anything having to do with stomach discomfort/illness can generally be lumped (poor choice of word?) into the larger category of “diarrhea.”

And it seems that everyone’s concerned as to whether or not Hamilton really had some discomfort in his stomach because of his sort of well-documented struggles with drugs in the past. (We say “sort of well-documented” because it seems that everyone knows that Hamilton had drug problems but no one’s really written the one definitive and all-encompassing story about his saga.)

But, we digress. The point here is diarrhea. And specifically, did Hamilton have it?

Look, we completely understand how and why people will start to conjure conspiracy theories when Hamilton misses time with anything other than a pulled quad, strained hammy or shredded labrum. But at the same time, can’t a man with a somewhat troubled past simply get a case of the back door trots and not be harassed about it?

Since this debate is likely to rage on (or more likely, fizzle out within a couple of days), we’ve got a proposition as to how we can settle the score once and for all: Hamilton is to appear at a Reds press conference in full uniform, holding a plastic bag, which he will then proceed to fill – right on the spot – with a stool sample.

What’s that you say – this won’t answer any questions pertaining to Hamilton’s alleged illness whatsoever? Okay, you’re right – it probably won’t.

But it would at least provide some solid (or loose, as the case may be) entertainment, which seems to be what you people are so ravenous for that you can’t even let Hamilton eat some undercooked sausage and pay the price for it in peace.

[Disclaimer: The above post was written with no true knowledge as to the exact nature of the illness known as gastroenteritis or any bodily repercussions caused by the disease therein. Any such research may have jeopardized the validity of jokes pertaining to diarrhea and/or bowel movements, and the writer(s) deemed this unacceptable. Thank you for your understanding.]