May 02, 2007

Time for Lights Out

Has it ever crossed your mind that it would be really hilarious to go down to the local electronics store, purchase one of those laser pointers, take it into the classroom and shine the little red dot onto your professor’s crotch as you and your friends snicker uncontrollably from the back row?

If it has crossed your mind, don't be ashamed – that idea actually is kind of funny.

But you know what’s not cool? Taking the aforementioned laser pointer or a similarly eye-stunning device and using it to distract players during a Major League baseball game. Or so say the powers that be with regards to a man at Shea Stadium who shined a high-powered flashlight at Edgar Renteria and Tim Hudson during an April 20th game against the Braves (a game The OCC just so happened to attend, though we assure you that any flashlights in our possession were pointed directly into the eyes of Mets players and/or coaches, not the Braves).

For his transgressions, “The Flasher,” as we shall choose to call him, received 15 days in jail and a three-year ban from attending Mets home games.

Frankly, we find this punishment rather odd – we can understand the 15 days in jail, but a ban from attending games at Shea? This is supposed to be a punishment, right? We actually just purchased a 15-game ban from Shea last week. We get to miss six games against the Nationals, three versus the Rockies, two when the Marlins are in town and a four-game set against Pittsburgh.

Honestly, if they want to punish the guy, they should make him live at Shea until (and perhaps during) its demolition prior to the 2009 season. If you thought it was grueling watching that guy eat McDonald’s non-stop in Super Size Me, imagine how rough The Flasher would be looking after eating only Nathan’s french fries and Dippin’ Dots for an entire calendar year, all the while trolling about the bowels of Shea with only the beam of his high-powered flashlight to illuminate the way through the concrete and steel corridors during the long and seemingly endless nights.

Think about it: It’s The Terminal meets Super Size Me meets Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

We’ll call it, of course, The Flasher.

Now we’ve just got to figure out a way to sneak in the requisite “laser pointer shining on the college professor’s groin” scene…


Post a Comment

<< Home