March 14, 2007

The Files are IN the Computer









Since everyone else on Internet.com is already allocating significant amounts of time and energy to talking NCAA tourney hoops, we’re going to go ahead and avoid that topic for the day.

Though, we did want to remind you to fill out your brackets by no later than Thursday morning, and get them in (along with $20 entry fee) to that douche bag guy in your office who’s suddenly showing motivation and organizational skills for the first time since you’ve known him.

Now, a few thoughts from around the world of sport:

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Don’t look now, but the Hawks are winning basketball games. That would be four in a row. And more importantly, that would also be the chances of the Hawks having a high lottery pick evaporating before thousands of our eyes. (If the Hawks’ pick isn’t in the top three, it goes to Phoenix.)

So, Hawks fans (are you all here?), let’s put a hold on those Kevin Durant ATL jerseys and simply enjoy the fact that Josh Smith is currently playing like a hungry and agitated Gremlin – in the Hawks’ first seven games in March, he’s averaged 21.6 ppg, 9.6 rpg and 3.3 blocks.

Many moons ago, during the 2004-05 season, this site’s predecessor (instant-replays.com) compared J-Smoove to Andrei Kirilenko, which at the time was very high praise for the young Hawk.

But now, Kirilenko – whose game has strangely evaporated this season (8.5 ppg through 56 games) – should relish any and all comparisons to Josh Smith, who may not have a wife who allows him to sleep with one random woman per year (as Kirilenko does), but currently does the best Kirilenko impersonation of anyone in the league (Kirilenko included).

(By the way, that sound you hear is every grammar teacher we’ve ever had inducing vomiting at the sight of that last run-on sentence.)

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In a feature story on Indians’ center fielder Grady Sizemore, who is quickly going from “deeply underrated player” to “guy everyone’s suddenly heard of and can’t stop saying good things about,” we learned two factoids we didn’t already know:

1) Sometimes, Sizemore talks to himself;

2) he owns a blue, four-door 1966 Lincoln Convertible.

To quote Owen Wilson’s character of Ken Hutchinson from Starsky & Hutch, “Your stock just went up in my book, my friend.”

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Lastly, before clicking on an article about Eric Gagne’s comeback from elbow and back surgeries (a story with a clever lead that talked about Gagne throwing “well into the 90’s” and then explaining that he was throwing to guys wearing jerseys numbered 96 and 98), we happened upon a current photo of Gagne, and did an immediate double-take.

Dude looks eerily like the Evil DJ character from Zoolander, as played by Justin Theroux.

We can’t be sure, but we have to guess that the resemblance between these two is purely coincidental.

Even so, all we can think about now is Gagne entering Rangers’ games in the 9th inning this year to the song “Relax” that the Evil DJ was using to trigger Derek Zoolander’s assassin training to make him kill the prime minister of Malaysia.

Would this not have outstanding comedic value to any and all Zoolander fans in attendance at Rangers' games on any given night? And furthermore, any fans who haven't seen Zoolander would just assume based on the lyrics that it was time to "relax," because Gagne is so lights out that there's absolutely no need to worry about him giving up the lead.

So, it's agreed then: Eric Gagne will hereto forth be referred to as the "Evil DJ," and the Rangers' P.A. operator will be compelled to play "Relax" not only while Gagne's walking in from the bullpen, but for the entire duration of his stay on the mound, speeding up the song to a more and more frenetic pace (as is done during the pivotal scene in Zoolander) with each successive pitch thrown.

Glad we were able to work that out.

3 Comments:

Blogger Call me BIZZLE said...

Mr. OCC,

Was it not Huggy Bear in Starsky & Hutch that used that line? I believe it was Huggy Bear who, after seing Starsky's ride, said "Damn, Starsky. You just moved up a notch in my book. That puts you at 1." Anyway, those are minor details. I would like to commend you on the Eric Gagne/Zoolander reference. Should your idea come to fruition, that would be enough to make me a Rangers fan for LIFE!!! Well done, OCC!!

12:40 PM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger The OCC said...

bizzle --

Both Huggy Bear and Hutch said similar lines about Starsky "moving up a notch" after they saw his car. For some reason I opted to go with Hutch (that reason being that I, like many men of my generation, have a borderline unhealthy amount of man-love for Owen Wilson.)

5:09 PM, March 14, 2007  
Blogger James said...

great gagne idea.

Also, who among us hasn't been that douche bag in the office before? So I was in High School when my turn came to run it, but still. My Biology teacher was pissed when she saw what I could do when I put my mind to it.

8:59 AM, March 16, 2007  

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