Please Leave My Likeness Alone

As you may have heard by now, news broke late last week that Tom Brady is suing Yahoo! for improperly using his image in a fantasy football promotion.

With that in mind, it would be interesting to see how Brady felt about having his likeness electronically violated in a disturbingly affectionate online tribute video that goes about 23 steps too far.

Granted, the photographic montage – set to a rewritten version of Lionel Richie’s “Lady” and entitled “Brady” – was most likely meant as a joke, but it has just enough overtones of “I’m joking, but I’m actually kind of not joking” to make you start shivering as though a ghost has just walked into the room and gently touched you on the shoulder with a deathly cold finger.

Consider some selected lyrics from the song:

“Brady… There’s so many ways I want to catch your passes.”

“Your cleft chin makes me such a fool.”

“I’m a tight end but I hope to one day be your wide receiver.”

“How I long for you to hit me in the slot.”

“Forever let there be two-a-days when we’re together.”

“Brady… Your balls are the only balls I need.”

As you can plainly see, this thing is dripping with thinly-veiled innuendo, which would normally be welcomed if not entirely celebrated on this site.

But aside from the generally uncomfortable nature of this video, which makes you feel like you might somehow be an accomplice in some serial stalker’s desperate effort to court the Patriots’ QB, there’s also the fact that some of these lines are just pretty stupid.

While “Your cleft chin makes me such a fool” is clearly somewhat inspired from a comedic standpoint even if it’s no less creepy than any other line in the song, there are way too many lame “balls” jokes in here that completely negate any comic momentum the thing can generate.

Whatever the case, this video seems to be generating a substantial amount of buzz, and I have to admit, anything that can make you laugh and feel uncomfortable at the same time could qualify as ingenious in some people’s estimations.

With that said, if I never have to watch this depraved and borderline frightening cry for help and attention ever again, it will be one day too soon.

And I can safely say that if and when I ever happen to hear Lionel Richie’s “Lady” in the future, I will most likely cover my ears, close my eyes and start softly chanting “Go to your happy place.” I am truly scarred.