Do You Smell Something Burning?
Unusual moment during the Kings-Suns game on Tuesday night: Just before the buzzer sounded at the end of the first quarter, Shawn Marion hit a fall-away baseline j and then without any hesitation whatsoever ran off the court into the locker room.
The cameras cut over to his teammates, who were gathered by the bench laughing uncontrollably. Apparently, Marion thought it was halftime, and none of them had any intention whatsoever of going after him to tell him his mistake.
Pretty comical moment in and of itself, but it got better.
Early in the second quarter, Suns’ analyst Dan Majerle and play-by-play man Jerry Bender had the following exchange:
Majerle: We saw Shawn make that shot at the end of the 1st quarter... and uh, I guess he had to go to the little boy's room, and he comes back and...
Bender [jumping in]: Well whatever he does, I hope he can continue to play like he did in that 1st quarter. He was sensational. Absolutely sensational, 15 points. Here's Thomas missing, rebound is cleared by Kevin Martin.
Majerle: Light a match!
I kept watching the game, amused by the newfound knowledge that in addition to mistakenly thinking it was halftime, Marion had also needed to relieve himself.
And after a few more seconds, my brain finally processed what Dan Majerle had said moments earlier:
Light a match.
Did he really say that? I rewound and listened again. Indeed he did say it. Quite enthusiastically, in fact.
And immediately, I had to wonder: Was Majerle referring to the fact that The Matrix had most likely just made a smelly doodie which required the sulfuric vapors of match-lighting to snuff out its foul odor?
Or was he simply insinuating that Marion was "on fire"?
Whatever the case, I’m inclined to think that Thunder Dan was indeed making a poop joke, because the phrase “Light a match” wouldn’t really make sense otherwise. And assuming that’s the case, more power to Majerle for having the… umm, bowels… to make such blatant reference to smelly dumps during an NBA broadcast.
And I think it goes without saying that from this day forth, any time Shawn Marion is starting to “catch fire,” as it were, someone in the near vicinity (preferably Majerle himself) will be required to utter Marion’s new slogan.
Can’t you just picture it now?
Light a match! The Matrix just dropped another deuce!
And now I will never be able to think about Shawn Marion without picturing him taking a big nasty dookie in the locker room at the first quarter intermission. Thank you, polluted mind. Thank you, Dan Majerle.
In a strange turn of events that clearly indicates there’s some kind of higher fecal power in the world, moments before scripting the above post I received an email transmission from Frank G. Yak, this site’s de facto provider of most things pertaining to gruesome bodily function.
The story he sent was about an American Airlines flight that had to make an emergency landing when a woman on board lit a match to conceal the fact that she had squeezed off a rather dank-smelling fart.
Apparently the emergency landing became necessary when multiple passengers smelled the sulfur from the burning matches.
Does anyone else see a pretty clear-cut opportunity for a public service announcement that could solve this problem once and for all? Roll it:
[Lights come up on DAN and SHAWN standing together in a men’s room]
Hi, I’m Dan Majerle, former professional basketball player for the Phoenix Suns, here with an important message about fire safety.
When my friend Shawn here needs to take a poop, the first thing I tell him is, “Light a match, dude. That stinks!”
But Shawn and I both know that lighting matches isn’t always safe. Sometimes, like if you’re at a gas station, oil refinery, fireworks depot or on an airplane, it’s better to just let that stank-ass fart marinate for a minute than to strike up a match.
Because nothing stinks worse than burning human flesh. Right Shawn?
[DAN and SHAWN smile at each other and exchange a high five, at which point DAN, realizing something, looks down at his hand and quickly hustles over to the sink to wash it off.]