September 13, 2005

Please, Call me Officer...

I'm not sure who's in charge of publicity for Shaquille O'Neal, but I want this person handling my business affairs (of which I have none) as soon as possible. Sure, it's noteworthy that Shaq "assisted" Miami police in making an arrest over the weekend, but let's not get carried away here. All he did was witness an assault and then follow the perpetrator in his car for a bit before alerting a police officer of the situation. When I saw the headline "Shaq Assists Police in Arresting Man," I was picturing the big fella leading a fierce charge out of the back of a SWAT team van armed with an M-16 and strapped with about 10 hand grenades. It's pretty safe to say that most of us have been in on an arrest or two at one time or another. No big deal, if you ask me. What's that? You've never been in on an arrest? Fine, me neither. But, you get the point -- seems like all the Diesel's gotta do these days is call 911 and we're erecting a statue of him in the town square. I like Shaq and all, but constantly hearing about Shaq the good samaritan kind of cheapens the seemingly more genuine things he does under the radar but somehow we end up hearing about (I'm telling you, that publicist is brilliant), like the time he took Mark Madsen shopping for clothes. Give me stories like that over Shaq making so-called "arrests" any day. (Unless, of course, he's running out of a SWAT team van carrying a bunch of hand grenades.)

-In an era that has seen athletes add flesh and muscle to their bodies at an alarming rate in an effort to improve their performance (and sometimes using morally questionable means to do so), it's refreshing to see that at least one sportsman is focused on downsizing. That's right -- Aussie professional rugby player Brett Blackwell has decided to lop off his ring finger in an effort to extend his career. And in one of the great contradictions of all time, this man who is tough enough to saw off a digit to prolong his career in a sport that might get his eyes gouged out -- or, worse yet, his testicles stomped -- refers to rugby as "footy." What a wuss.

-Dave, I appreciate where you're coming from, but please...just one more season?

-By the way, I've been very impressed with the response from you, the readership, in the wake of my recent hamstring injury. It takes a lot of courage to look a weakened man in the face and completely ignore him. I respect that.


Blogger The Bird said...

Hey Matt, here's a "hypothetical question" for you. If you could become the starting point guard, today, for the Hawks, would you sacrifice your left testicle? I would have asked about the righty but we all know you have an irrational attachment to Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

4:00 PM, September 14, 2005  
Blogger jimmyrad said...

I expect Shaq's civilian "arrest" to have a two-pronged effect. 1) People will laud him with unnecessary hyperbole, and 2) He will become more popular than Brady Anderson in the gay community.

4:43 PM, September 14, 2005  
Blogger The OCC said...

Am I guaranteed to keep the starting job?

12:33 AM, September 15, 2005  
Blogger The Bird said...

Yes. For one season. After that, you have to earn the job to keep it.

4:07 PM, September 15, 2005  

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