October 06, 2008

9 Random Thoughts for Monday (and Beyond)

Because that chicken flavored, MSG-infused Nissin Cup O'Noodles ingested at 1 a.m. has left my cerebellum stumbling around like a parched, semi-delirious desert traveler:

1) Alexei Ramirez, owner of one of the great, almost- politically- incorrect- but- just- okay- enough- to- use nicknames ("The Cuban Missile") is listed at 27 years old. I'm taking the over on that -- the picture doesn't do it justice, but the dude's face is slightly too skeletal and mask-like for him to actually be that youthful. I'm thinking he's more like 31. Or 57. However, on another vital stat (his weight, listed at 185), I'm taking the under. He looks famished.

2) The Falcons paid way too much money to Matt Ryan, but all praise be to Theo Huxtable that it looks like he's gonna develop into a true franchise QB. On a semi-related note, it's a tremendous feeling to be able to wear a Falcons T around Manhattan with something resembling pride.

3) Life as a Fantasy Football Addict, Part I: You're at brunch Sunday morning, when over the left shoulder of one of your companions, on the TV screen that you've been staring at uncontrollably, you see that Matt Hasselbeck has appeared to suffer a season-ending ACL tear on a wrenching hit from a Giants lineman. You are attempting to be a polite brunch participant, but at this juncture, you nearly scream and hurl your omelette at the busboy. You proceed to spend the next 12 minutes of the meal fixated on the TV, hoping on the off chance that Hasselbeck is somehow not seriously injured and will come back into the game. He does. You are enormously relieved. This, however, does not change the fact that Hasselbeck and the Seahawks are terrible -- his line on the day: 11-for-25, 105 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT. You decide to get your omelette to go, and promptly peg it into the face of a hunched-over old woman on the street.

4) Jonny Gome
s looks scary with a Mohawk.

5) Life as a
Fantasy Football Addict, Part II: You agonize for a week about whether to play Ronnie Brown or Steve Slaton in Week 5. You choose Slaton. When, around 3 p.m. on Sunday, Brown is decisively outscoring him, you decide to chop off one of your fingers. While you're trying to decide which one to lance, Slaton comes back and scores his second TD of the day en route to outscoring Brown by three points. Your team goes on to win by more than 30. You feel extremely vindicated for making the right choice, despite the fact that those three points proved to have absolutely no bearing on anything.

6) After throwing the pass that lead to Anquan Boldin getting his cranium annihilated on that vicious hit in Week 4, Kurt Warner reportedly sent his wife a text message saying that he was considering retirement in the wake of that injury. Then his wife sent back a picture message reminding him that she basically has a flat top, and Kurt decided to keep playing.

7) If you haven't seen Chris Rock's Kill the Messenger, there are some piss- in- your- corduroys funny moments, a couple of which pertain to sports. One of them appeared to be an accident (Rock inadvertently referring to Dikembe Mutombo as Dikembe Mutumbu -- which made an already funny punchline that much more hilarious), and there was a sports commentary moment that really hit home unexpectedly: Rock talking about seeing an image of Sarah Palin standing over a slain moose, which prompted him to wonder exactly what the hell Michael Vick is in prison for. Sure, I get it that dog fighting is illegal and cruel and blah blah blah, but when you think about it on a slightly abstract, existential level, it's kind of absurd that Palin is celebrated (by some) for her love of killing animals while #7 is currently serving time for his animal-related deeds.

8) You might be an NBA fan if... You are unreasonably anxious to watch Rudy Gay and O.J. Mayo running wreckless fast breaks on League Pass en route to a 14-68 record in Memphis.

9) I have a number of not-that-douchey Red Sox fan friends whose happiness I sort of care about, but even so, if Boston wins the World Series, I'm going to throw an omelette at somebody.


Anonymous Aimee Berg said...

I also enjoyed the comedy stylings of Mets fan Chris Rock, particularly his discussion of the sociology of his neighborhood's racial makeup. Hard to believe, but it's even funnier than I'm making it sound.

8:55 AM, October 08, 2008  

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