The 13 Million Dollar Crime

There are things in this world – injustices – that I and we cannot collectively stand for. And when we hear about them, the call must come down from on high to rise up and retaliate. Together we shall grab our bull horns or conch shells (or whatever makes an incredibly loud noise), sound the battle cry from the mountain top and yell out from on high:

This injustice will NOT stand!

Now rise up…and FIGHT!!!

Today friends, I heard of such a crime against humanity. And if you’ve seen today’s headlines, you might have noticed it too:

The Yankees are planning to pick up Gary Sheffield’s $13 million option for 2007.

And Sheffield is incensed. Said Gary:

“This will not work, this will not work at all. I don’t want to play first base a year for them. I will not do that.”

Sheff, we have your back! Down with the tyrannical Yankees and their oppressive monetary payments! Together we will make a stand!!!

Okay, all sarcasm aside, this has to rank as one of the most egregious examples of greediness in modern sports history, right up there with Latrell Sprewell’s infamous “I’ve got my family to feed” comment after receiving a contract offer for $21 million.

Seriously, how many times in sports history, or any history for that matter, have the words “This will not work” been used by an individual to describe a payment of 13 million dollars that he will receive? How does 13 million not work, especially if you’re 38 years old, exceedingly injury prone, and just kind of a surly dickhead in general? 13 million always works. It’s one of the four things we definitely know for sure about the universe:

1) The Earth is round;

2) There are other planets in our solar system;

3) When people break wind it is often smelly;

4) 13 million dollars is plenty of money.

So I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Gary (if that is your real name). But we the people of Earth cannot be bothered wasting our time with your crazed egomaniacal blatherings and delusions of persecution.

Frankly, we’re far too busy trying to see if we can find a more supportive baseball environment for Alex Rodriguez. Did you know that he still has 4 years left on his $252 million contract, which means that he could be stuck here in New York constantly hearing boos from these belligerent, heartless fans through 2010 at only $25 million per year? Now that’s a crime!