September 28, 2006

100 Words on Terrell Owens and Other Ways to Waste Space

Because too much has already been said and written but I still feel the need to chime in despite the fact that I very often complain about how much coverage Terrell Owens gets, I’m putting a word limit on this particular commentary so as to avoid drawing the ire of the hypocrisy police. 100 words. Beginning now. Go:

Did T.O. attempt suicide? Signs point to yes. As in, when asked if he was trying to harm himself, he said “Yes.” Rather concrete.

But then, the press conference – a rather convincing denial. He was confused from medication when saying “Yes.” He didn’t pop 35 pills. Claims that he attempted suicide are crazy. And while saying this, he looked completely normal and healthy.

[Official Word Count: 63, if you’re keeping track at home. Better get to the point here.]

Since we can’t be sure what the answer is, here’s a better question:

Do you follow this man’s plight because you actually care, or do you do so because someone else has decided that you should care?

[Official Word Count: 100. Mission accomplished.]


Now, coming to you by popular demand (and by "popular demand" I mean two friends said they thought this was a good idea), a new recurring weekly feature on the site -- The OCC's Fantasy Football Lineup Advice!

(Cue light smattering of applause)

We all agonize over this every week, right? Who to play, who to sit... Sometimes it's painful -- you switch one guy in and out of your lineup so many times during the course of the week that you actually begin to wonder what your league mates think of your indecisiveness. Truly an awful feeling.

So here's an idea: Let me go through the gut-wrenching discomfort for you. Allow me to overanalyze all of this to the point of counterproductivity, backtrack through my own muddled thinking to something resembling a blend of football analysis and gut instinct, and emerge from the maelstrom to present you with the proper calls. Am I always right? God no. And as long as we're clear on that going in, I think that we'll all get along just fine.

Before I get started, a couple things to know -- I won't say anything about guys who are so good (Peyton Manning, LaDainian Tomlinson, etc.) that you automatically plug them into your lineup each week. And more often than not, I won't mention guys who are sitting at the end of your bench and who probably should be on the waiver wire. Here we make the tough calls on the players in between.

For the debut, we're going to keep it simple. Two groups. Guys I like this week (not in that way), and guys I don't like.

I Like:

Brett Favre @PHI -- Philly is tough but he's on a roll.
Michael Vick vs. ARI -- Quite simply, he is going to be angry and run a lot.
David Carr vs. MIA -- Kerry Collins actually put up okay numbers against Miami last week.
Jon Kitna @STL -- DET's offense is starting to roll.
Daunte Culpepper @HOU -- Actually don't really like him, but Houston D is that bad.
Charlie Frye @OAK -- Only if you're a bit desperate, but could put up big stats.

Julius Jones @TEN -- Suddenly underrated, and Tennessee is rotten.
Chester Taylor @BUF -- Hopefully you start him every week anyways.
Kevin Jones @StL -- Big things could be coming.
Warrick Dunn vs. ARI -- ATL reestablishes the run this week.

Braylon Edwards @OAK -- Coming off two big games in a row. Now gets Oakland.
Terry Glenn @TEN -- See him catching a bomb this week.
Darrell Jackson @CHI -- Don't be afraid of Chicago's D here. Seattle will throw a lot.
Chris Chambers @HOU -- Please don't make this the week you get frustrated and bench him.
Matt Jones @WAS -- May not explode but should get 80+ yards.
Isaac Bruce vs. DET -- This is a stretch. Only if you're desperate. Just a weird hunch he gets in the end zone.

I Do Not Like:

Kurt Warner @ATL -- Serious turnover potential here. ATL makes him feel the wrath.
Steve McNair vs. SD -- In case the bye week made you forgot, The Whale's Vagina is scary.
Drew Brees @CAR -- If you didn't notice, they put a hurting on Chris Simms.
Mark Brunell vs. JAX -- Good week last week, but now he's hurt and JAX is insane. Avoid.

Reggie Bush @CAR -- Tough to put him here as he could explode at any moment, but I want to see a TD before I can truly trust him. Only bench him if you have good depth, though.
Thomas Jones vs. SEA -- Currently more valuable in real life than in fantasy. He's good but people are loading up against Chicago's run. Will break out but probably not this week.
Jamal Lewis vs. SD -- There are worse guys to start, but I think Baltimore gets locked down this week.
Maurice Morris @CHI -- Even though he's starting you should be able to do much better.

Santana Moss vs. JAX -- You probably can't afford to bench him, but Brunell looks shaky this week.
Jerricho Cotchery vs. IND -- Not a bad matchup, but without his long flukey TD in Week 2 his numbers aren't that impressive.
Troy Williamson @BUF -- Have faith in him long term, but Buffalo has a good secondary.

There. Now it's all cleared up, right?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ever since I posted about your insensitive treatment of the WNBA, I have tried to avoid posting, but since your recent post about 'slump-busting', I can no longer restrain myself. This post just goes to show the degenerate nature of male sports.

Can anyone imagine Michelle Wie going around slump-busting? Can anyone imagine her going to some sleezy bar, finding the ugliest guy there, buying enough drinks to get him so drunk he can't tell right from wrong, then offering him a ride back to her place, where she promptly throws him on the bed and has sex with him, drunk and disgusting as he is, just for the sake of shavig a few strokes off her game so she could make it on the men's tour? And furthermore, do you think she would brag about that in the dug out?

No. No one could imagine that. No one could imagine Michelle Wie, or any other woman for that matter, 'laying wood' to anyone, for any reason, much less just to break a slump.

1:19 PM, September 28, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Um, I think we can all agree that it is a sexist comment, and very insensitive at that. It doesn't make it unfunny. Lots of comedy is insensitive. However, by making me imagine Wie do something similar has brought to mind just about the funniest image ever. It beats the image of Mark Grace or any other male playing that role by a mile.

Maybe it's a problem that we can imagine Grace actually doing that, whereas someone like Sorenstam is a but unrealistic, but I do thank you for the image.

4:33 PM, September 28, 2006  
Anonymous BIG Brettstictles said...

commisioner- that is the best fantasy break-down available. the Fantasy SPORTS WEEKLY is a continuing disappointment now that there is 40 pages devoted to the NeckTel Cup. boooo.

as for TO- well put...

4:38 PM, September 28, 2006  
Blogger Frank G Yak said...

Will a falcon ever make the "Guys I don't like list?"

2:59 AM, September 29, 2006  

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