Something else I heard today in the first inning of the Red Sox-D'Backs game on NESN after an errant pickoff attempt:
"That one almost thrown away by Johnson -- nice play by Conor Jackson to reach around the rubber."
As Michael Bluth would point out, there's gotta be a better way to say that.
What a Remarkable Knob You Have
Wednesday I was watching the Brewers-Braves game when a question from a viewer came on the air for the announcers to answer.
Bill from Elkhorn wanted to know, "Why is the knob on Rickie Weeks' bat so big compared to others?"
Pardon me for being so juvenile, but I'm not sure I would have been able to answer that one with a straight face.
What Are You Up to Tonight?
Before you get all bent out of shape about it, let me ask you this: Who among us hasn't been spotted at Tryst (the nightclub in the Wynn casino in Vegas) spraying bottles of Dom P. all over the assembled masses, only to be found unconscious with an orbital fracture on East Flamingo Road approximately 36 hours later?
So before you go judging Raiders WR Javon Walker for his actions (or for whatever debaucherous sequence of decisions led him to be laid out on a street corner Monday morning), just realize that sometimes when you go to Las Vegas, things happen a little bit differently than planned. If you can't handle that, then you probably ought to stay planted in your seat with your little cup of coins playing the video slots, and leave the champagne spraying and street brawling for those of us who are actually looking to have a good time.
Crippling Diarrhea, Most Likely
Clearly, something was bothering Rockies second baseman Jeff Baker on Sunday, as he came into the game for a pinch hitter, then was removed for a pinch runner after reaching on a hit. But in an astonishing development -- and in a notable departure from recent episodes in which it was revealed that Kaz Matsui had an anal fissure and Carlos Guillen had hemorrhoids -- Rockies manager Clint Hurdle did not reveal what was wrong with Baker, instead invoking the (apparently quite rare) phrase, "I'm not at liberty to say." Which of course begs two questions:
1) Why couldn't the Astros and the Tigers taken the same strategy and decide not to sell out Matsui and Guillen's terribly embarrassing butt problems?
2) What in God's name was plaguing Baker, and how am I supposed to find out if no one is going to be senseless enough to run their mouth about it?
The People You'll Meet
This morning I was in Dunkin' Donuts when the woman behind me (probably in her 50's or 60's, looking slightly down and out and more than reasonably troubled) suddenly said to the man walking past her, "Please talk to me, please talk to me. Please talk to me!"
He proceeded to walk right past her, at which point she lamented, "He thinks I hung up the phone on him. And he's probably gonna hold that grudge for the rest of his life." This was my first true hint that the woman was insane -- the fact that she clearly believed that an accidental phone hang-up could possibly lead to a lifelong grudge. Actually, it was my third hint that she was insane. The first hint was the fact that she clearly looked insane. The second hint was when she started yelling out "Please talk to me please talk to me please talk to me!"
When no one responded to her (clearly we were all following the man's lead), she said, "Fine. Do it." As if to say, "Go ahead, hold that grudge -- see if I care. (On second thought, please don't!)" She then started muttering about how these long lines at Dunkin' Donuts kill her.
She was probably late for a business meeting.
John Smoltz is Having Shoulder Surgery